The New Activism, Vol. II

It pays to do some research before you write and post something, even a humor column. I was going to write about powdered rhino horn as an aphrodisiac. I had a great plan to slow the poaching of rhinos. It went like this:

I’d pretend to be a poacher. I’d dress in camos while hoisting a rifle in one hand and a fake horn in the other. Then I’d create a professional website full of pictures of me in the “bush” (ie Northern Arizona) and enter the aphrodisiac market. But the product I’d sell would actually be ground up Viagra. Sure, I’d be the new player in the market. But once customers realized my horn-powder was far, far superior, I’d corner the market. I’d make bank selling Miso Horn-E and then use the proceeds to fund wildlife protection.

Just one problem – the aphrodisiac thing turns out to be a myth. The horns are actually bought as status symbols and are used to bribe higher-ups in Asia. But the poaching goes on, and therefore so do I. Here’s idea #2:

Step 1:

Hollywood (with help from the robotics industry) has the ability to create amazingly realistic looking animals. They’ve come a long way since Godzilla or King Kong. People always fall for fake animals, because they love animals. Consider this “Living Unicorn” that Ringling Brothers introduced in 1985, which was actually a goat with a cone-head hat:

So, the technology has gotten better since 1985 while, at the same time, humanity has gotten dumber (need proof? I had to Google “Movie about ape climbing skyscraper” to remember King Kong). So we whip up a robotic fake rhino that is utterly realistic. And has enormous horns.

Step 2:

Military technology has gotten absurdly precise. A drone can fire a missile up your nostril from five miles away. Which might lead to armor-plated nose-hair one day. But that’s not the point. This is:

Step 3

We incorporate military technology into our fake rhino. The minute a poacher’s bullet hits the “rhino,” computers compare the time between the gun cracking and the bullet hitting the “rhino”. Since Distance = Speed X Time (I think) we know how far away the poacher is standing. The computer also measures the deflection angle of the bullet and calculates backwards to find the direction of the source.

Distance and direction is all we need. The side of the rhino snaps opens. And then…MACHINE GUNS START BLAZING.

My fake aphrodisiac idea was more fun and less violent. Oh well. Whatever it takes.