Wife: How was the baby while I was gone?
Me: Great. I never took my eyes off her.
Wife: I took the baby with me.
Me: Oh, THAT baby.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2014
Me: Life is a highway.
Coworker: It moves fast?
Me: No, it’s clogged up by assholes.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2014
4-year-old: Why don’t we live in a castle?
Me: We’re not royalty.
4:
Me: Plus your mom yelled at me when I dug a moat.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2014
[at daycare]
Me: Why do you have a bloody lip?
2-year-old:
Looks like she knows the first rule of Fight Club.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2014
4-year-old:*throws the ball*
2-year-old:*goes to get it*
Me: Don’t play fetch with your sister
4: I’m not. I tried to peg her and missed.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 20, 2014