4-year-old: *touches doorknob*
*shocks herself*
4: Lightning came out of my finger!
Me: It’s called static electricity.
4: Am I a Jedi?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2014
A ponytail is the best way for any dude to let the world know he has three samurai swords and zero dates.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2014
Wife: What did you get me for my birthday?
Me: The honor of continuing to be married to me.
Now all my stuff is on fire.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2014
4-year-old: Why can’t dogs talk?
Me: They don’t have the right vocal cords.
4:
Me: They don’t have anything interesting to say.
4: Oh.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2014
I won a dollar on a bet over Guitar Hero.
*adds “paid musician” to résumé*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 19, 2014