I got my kids to stop asking me to reread books by changing the endings. Now the “Little Engine that Could” derailed and killed six people.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2014
My wife asked, “Why’d you fall in love with me?” I don’t know what answer she wanted, but it wasn’t “You let me touch your boobs.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2014
I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you mean when you use words like “swag” and “YOLO.” I’m not fluent in douchebag.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2014
One time I ran down a coupon for beef jerky that was blowing across a parking lot, so, yes, I know how to hunt.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2014
Boss: You fuck up half the time.
Me: Wait, so the other half I don’t?
Boss: I guess.
Me: *hugs him*
I can’t wait to tell my mom.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 16, 2014