4-year-old: Why can we see through glass?
Me: I can’t. You must have x-ray vision.
4:
Me: Tell no one.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2014
4-year-old: *puts on dress-up wings*
Me: Aw. Are you a fairy?
4: *bites me* I’m a zombie butterfly.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2014
People who think humans and dinosaurs never lived together, how do you explain “The Flintstones?”
Checkmate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2014
My wife and I got in a fight over what kind of toilet paper to buy.
It ended with me shouting, “My ass is worth it!”
Don’t get married.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2014
4-year-old: Why do we kneel in church?
Me: To build your core strength. The Catholic God only loves people with abs.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2014
From http://t.co/RcDTQy3VFN 4/3/14: pic.twitter.com/CoDMOYz1bZ
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) September 19, 2014