4-year-old daughter: How come I’m not a princess? Me: I’m not a king. 4-year-old: Mom should’ve married better.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 19, 2014
Me: It’s my house. I make the rules. 4-year-old: No you don’t. Mom does. Touché.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2014
Me: *spends half an hour dressing 4-year-old in 35 layers so she can play outside* 4-year-old: I need to pee.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2014
I’ll never buy a piñata. There’s nothing more dangerous than teaching kids that if they break shit, candy will fall out.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2014
The greatest thing you can give a woman in bed is an orgasm. Unless you’re married with kids. Then it’s an uninterrupted night of sleep.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 5/25/14: pic.twitter.com/uInhtZuoZe
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 11, 2014