People who go to hell:
1) ax murderers
2) Nazis
3) people who send game invites on Facebook
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014
Me: *guzzles wine*
Wife: That’s not how you do a wine tasting.
Me: Sorry.
*guzzles wine with my pinkie up*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014
4-year-old: I feel sick.
Me: You don’t have a fever. You’re fine.
4: I need grape Tylenol!
I’m raising a junkie.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014
4-year-old: My friend said his dad could beat you up.
Me: What was your comeback?
4: I said he was right.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014
My 2-year-old doesn’t know the entire alphabet, but she has memorized most of the words to at least two Eminem songs.
Take that, phonics.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/2/14: pic.twitter.com/OIanMusk0J
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 19, 2014