Jesus’ ‘Most Fascinating People’ Interview: Justin Bieber | HumorOutcasts

Jesus’ ‘Most Fascinating People’ Interview: Justin Bieber

December 16, 2014


Good evening My children, and welcome to My show. I’m interviewing the most fascinating people out of all My children, so naturally I wanted to get inside the head of the spellbinding Justin Bieber. Of course I’m the Almighty, so I already know what’s in there. I put it there for some untold reason. But I thought you would all benefit from his wisdom.

So without further adieu, I give you My interview with the Biebs.


Jesus: Welcome Justin!

Bieber: Yo! Hey Jesus, wassup?

Jesus: Heaven! Haha…Get it? Up?…Heaven?

Bieber: Yeah, I get it. That’s dope.

Jesus: You and I have “talked” a great deal, My son. But I feel the need to ask – what’s with all the rough ‘hood’ talk? You’re from Canada.

Bieber: Yo, my original crib was in Canada, but now I’m all up in LA and I’m down with my mah homies now. It’s all good, Jesus.

Jesus: Is it? Is it all good, Justin? You’ve been in trouble a lot lately My son. Throwing eggs at your neighbor’s house, getting into fights, saying some really hurtful and racist things. I know you apologized in the press, but did you go to confession with that?

Bieber: Yeah, I know, I know. I didn’t go to confession. I feel kinda like the stage is my church, my mansion is my church, my homies hangin’ with me…that’s my church.

Jesus: Yeah, no. It’s not, it’s really, really not. And the actual church can’t have that, because then we can’t take up collections. *wink wink* By the way Justin, I couldn’t help noticing that you’ve been giving me major props on a part of your fleshy prime real estate. You’ve actually got a tattoo of me on the back of your leg.

Bieber: Yeah! You noticed that? Yeah, it’s pretty dope, right? The thorns are pretty gangsta and facial hair is really a thing right now, ya know?


Jesus: Yes, I’m aware. I couldn’t help noticing those Duck Dynasty fools. I guess if you can’t grow any of your own… But Justin, did you notice that on your tattoo it looks like I’m rolling my eyes?

Bieber: Yeah! I did notice that. Whattup widdat, J? Kinda looks like you’re lookin’ up to me in some way.

Jesus: I’m rolling my eyes because…oh My Father, I may know everything, but I really don’t know where to start here. You just make me roll my eyes kid. I know I’m supposed to be benevolent and all that shit, but really, are you kidding me? Kid, you need to seriously check yourself. What is your mother saying to you? Anything? Because My mother Mary gave me the best advice. Your mother needs to show up and shake some sense into your bony little backside.

Bieber: Woah, J – that’s some heavy shit.

Jesus: Don’t call Me J. And please stop wearing rosary beads like jewelry.

Bieber: I didn’t come up with that, yo. That’s all Madonna.

Jesus: Yes, well, I have a few things to say to faux Madonna too. That’s for another time. I know you’ve said in the press that you’re where you are because of our relationship. You’ve even done a rap song called #iPledge to underscore the point. But Justin, I’ve never seen YouTube, so I can’t really take credit for your career. Besides, I’m not really into rap.

Bieber: Nah, Jesus – I was talking about how my relationship with you is what inspires me to be who I am and create the music that I do. You’re why I’m here today.

Jesus: Oh, My Father help us. Listen, it’s okay…really…no need to give Me any credit. I’m not responsible for any of it.

Bieber: Listen Jesus, can you help me get back with Selena?

Jesus: No, My son. I’m sorry, but I can’t be responsible for that either. That poor girl’s been through enough. Any final thoughts before we go?

Bieber: Yeah, can you reserve me a table up there in your club?

Jesus: Nothing is guaranteed, My son. Clean up your act first. And by that, I’m not only referring to your personal life. I for one, do not plan on spending eternity listening to the likes of “Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh…Baby”. You feel Me?

Bieber: Yeah, I feel you.

Linda Roy

Linda Roy is a humorist, writer, musician living in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. Her blog elleroy was here is a mix of humor and music she refers to as "funny with a soundtrack". She is Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief at the politics & pop culture website Lefty Pop and was named one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year for 2014. Her work has appeared at The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Aiming Low, Funny Not Slutty, Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Mamapedia, Sprocket Ink, The Weeklings, and BonBon Break. She's the female Larry David, and will criticize your parallel parking to prove it. When she's not snarking and kvetching, she's fronting the Indie/Americana band Jehova Waitresses.

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2 Responses to Jesus’ ‘Most Fascinating People’ Interview: Justin Bieber

  1. December 16, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Jesus uses connections to get these interviews. Not sure if this is fair.

  2. December 16, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Isn’t smiting a thing anymore? #JustAsking

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