4-year-old daughter: *watches “Jurassic Park”* I don’t like the T. rex.
Me: Why not?
4: He’s a dick.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2014
4-year-old: I found two pennies.
Me: So?
4: I don’t need you anymore.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2014
4-year-old: Can I give you a hug?
Me: Sure.
4:
Me: Well?
4: I don’t want to hug you. I just wanted to know my options.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2014
4-year-old daughter: Buy me sandals. I’m pretending I’m at the beach.
Me: Why can’t you wear pretend sandals?
4: THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2014
Me: You don’t even like sex.
Wife: I love sex.
Me:
Wife: Wait, did you mean with you?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyrZqw5 6/7/14: pic.twitter.com/RQCvxpz7IU
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) November 26, 2014