Me: If I died, how long would you wait to remarry?
Wife: 3 years
M: Aww
W: Any sooner & they’d know I killed you for the insurance money
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2014
Me: Just be quiet for 5 minutes.
4-year-old: OK.
Me:
4: Daddy
Me:
4: Daddy!
Me:
4: DADDY!
Me: WHAT?
4: Look how quiet I’m being!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2014
2-year-old: *picks up plastic golf club*
*hits me in the face*
Me: Ow!
2: You OK?
Me: Yeah.
2: *hits me again*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2014
Wife: You want to fuck anything that moves.
Me: Not true. I fuck you and you barely move at all.
Wife:
Me: *never gets laid again*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 1, 2014
I'm glad that 150-year-old tree gave its life so I could write a note to myself that says, “Buy more hot dogs.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2014
You Sir are hysterical!!