The “no sex for 6 weeks after birth” rule isn’t to help women. That’s just how long it takes guys to forget what they saw come out of there.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2014
The only purpose of Java is to update itself so it’s better able to download future updates.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2014
Me: How did you survive before spell check?
Grandma: It’s called a dictionary.
Me: It’s called stop making up words.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2014
My favorite way to lie is to totally destroy my own credibility and then tell the truth.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2014
Jesus: You reap what you sew.
Peter: You mean sow, right?
Jesus: *reaps a sweater*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2014