4-year-old: Why do we have to go to church?
Me: Because your mom says we do.
4: Is God scared of Mom, too?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 13, 2014
Good: 2-year-old pees in the training potty.
Bad: She empties the potty into the bathtub.
Awful: Her sister is taking a bath at the time
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 13, 2014
2-year-old: Someone’s finger is in my nose.
Me: Is it yours?
2: Maybe.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2014
Professor: What do you know about the Revolutionary War?
Me: We won when Mel Gibson impaled a British dude with a flag.
P:
M:
P: A+
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 13, 2014
Me:*spray paints lines in the yard*
Homeowner: Who are you?
M: I’m marking gas lines for the city.
H: OK
M:*finishes writing “Fuck You”*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 13, 2014