Shaggy: Ghost!
Fred: You, Scooby, and Velma investigate. Me and Daphne will guard the van.
Shaggy: Why?
Fred: Don’t be a cock block, bro.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2014
My 4-year-old is crying because her show went to a commercial, in case you wondered why birth control is so popular.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2014
4-year-old: I don’t want water! I want Kool-Aid!
Me: Um… This is clear Kool-Aid.
4: Oh. *drinks it all*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2014
Me: Would you have sex with me in exchange for doughnuts?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Me:
Wife: What kind of doughnuts?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2014
Him: My wife’s pregnant
Me: *evil cackle*
H: You said kids are fun
M: I lied like other dads lied to me
H:
M: Spite is all we have left
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014