Detective: Why are the clues covered in cement?
Rookie cop: You said you wanted concrete evidence
[laugh track]
[serial killer goes free]
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2014
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2014
Me: Can you get me a beer?
Wife: Are your legs broken?
Me: No, but if you don’t, my heart will be.
Wife:
Now my face is broken.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2014
Me: I have no idea why I’m gaining weight.
Wife: You just put frosting on a Twinkie.
Me: Yeah, but I only ate like six of them.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2014
Wife: Why do you smell like jet fuel & doe urine?
Me: Why do you know what those things smell like?
W: This talk didn’t happen.
M: Agreed
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2014