My neighbor said immigrants should speak the language of the people who were already here. I don't know how we'll teach them all Cherokee.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2014
There’s going to be so much drama when TMZ catches Jake from State Farm fucking Flo from Progressive.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2014
I'm married, so I never have to ask for sex.
I have to beg for it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2014
Wife: Which outfit is cuter, pink or lighter pink?
Me: I’m a rugged man’s man. I don’t care.
Wife:
Me: Lighter pink.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 19, 2014
Doctor: We made you a cyborg. You’re the Six Million Dollar Man
Him: I don’t have health insurance
Doctor: Now you’re the $99 Trillion Man
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 18, 2014