Harvard did a 75-year-long study to find out what makes men happy. The final report was one word: “Blowjobs.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2014
4-year-old: Why do you drive a van and not a race car? Me: A van is more practical. 4: Are we poor?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2014
Me: I just thought of a tweet! Wife: In the middle of sex? We’re done. *leaves* Now I have two tweets.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2014
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I’m speeding? Cop: Because you can’t ride a horse on the Interstate Me:*gallops away*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2014
Him: Do the worm. Me: OK. *cuts body in two* *regrows both halves*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2014