VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – Two teenage boys walking along the beach made a startling discovery yesterday when they found an ancient creature that had washed up on the shore. It made very little movement and was apparently still alive, though just barely.
The antiquated relic muttered archaic views about “moral decay,” made baffling statements about homosexuality, and denounced any notion that women have any reproductive rights whatsoever.
He also made it clear that he believes that his own religious beliefs and the general feelings of the voting majority are a proper basis for whether constitutional protections can rightly be claimed.
The creature was taken to a rehabilitation facility and after further examination, all in attendance were thankfully relieved that this fossil from a bygone era was not in any type of position of power in this country.