4-year-old: Can I have donuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Me: No.
4: Why?
Me: No one deserves that much happiness.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2014
My mom: You can never disappoint me
Me: Aw, thanks
My mom: My expectations for you are so low, I’m impressed you can talk without drooling
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2014
I didn’t want any pets.
My 4-year-old wanted a pot-bellied pig.
I compromised and made bacon.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2014
Women have it so much easier than men on the Internet.
My wife has 600 friends on Facebook.
I just got unfriended by my mom.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2014
Wife: I sent you to the store for milk
Me: Yep
Wife: YOU BOUGHT 49 POUNDS OF BEEF JERKY
Me:
Wife:
Me: Should I have made it an even 50?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 2, 2014