Me: Want to wrestle in bed? *winks*
Wife: OK. *hits me with a folding chair*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2014
Wife: Why’s our 4-year-old crying?
Me: No idea
Wife: Did you tell her zombies could attack at any moment?
Me: Sorry for telling the truth
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2014
Pharmacist: What can I do for you?
Me: My life is a fucking disaster.
Pharmacist: Alcohol is in aisle 3.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2014
4-year-old: Why do you love Mommy?
Me: Because she’s smoking hot.
4: Smoking is bad. She should stop.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2014
Me: Pandas are endangered.
4-year-old: Why?
Me: Because too many of them died.
4: Why?
Me: Because you asked too many questions.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 30, 2014