Zombies are where it’s at. Although I’ve been quietly and patiently waiting for the demise of the current trend, (because I’m a drag like that) I am forced to admit that quite possibly, zombies are here to stay. Here today, gone tomorrow and then back. And back. And back…
I’m too squeamish and can’t get behind zombies, which is better than being in front of them, tripping every few steps, glancing over my shoulder, eyeing a creature creeping ever closer…slowly…yet, somehow still unable to make a clean getaway.
“They’re coming to get you Barbara…”
My first introduction into the Zombieverse was during high school band camp. All the freshmen were seated front row, center for a big black and white showing of Night Of the Living Dead. The film was forwarded and rewound over and over during the burning pickup truck/intestine consumption scene. I “oohed and aahhed” with the best of them, but every time I spy a cemetery on the periphery, it’s “They’re coming to get you Barbara…”. Dammit, Barbara! Why couldn’t you just run? Why’d you have to fall so predictably and stop to look, all “here they come…”?
So I have to wonder how I can possibly jump onto the zombie wagon at this point? I’m pushing 50. I like a good pop culture trend, but I feel like signing up for this one would be akin to getting on the vampire boat and that ship has sailed. I’m so not Twilight material.
My husband is cooler than I am. He’s over 50 and a card carrying member of The Walking Dead legion. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s stressful, it’s violent, it’s icky. I really tried. But five minutes in, it was all shooting and “Brains…” and lobbing off body parts with blunt objects. Can’t we just have a kinder, gentler zombie phenomenon for those of us with a lower tolerance for chaotic life and death circumstances? I’m willing to put up with a smidgeon of gore, but can’t we water this shit down?
I have a few suggestions. I’m willing to help brainstorm for the cause. I think a zombie reality show would be the perfect marriage of reality meets un-reality.
Zombie Bachelor. One ridiculously hot zombie and twenty young, beautiful and totally available zombie ladies vying for his affections. The hot tub sequences are problematic, because hot water and severed limbs… and when he loses his tongue down one woman’s throat, choking her, it’s no bed of roses. But by the elimination round when he asks “Will you accept this earlobe?” it’s pure magic. And when he finally chooses a bride, it’s for life. And life. And life.
The Real AfterWorld. Apocalypse – 7 zombies. Picked to be undead in a house. To see what happens when things stop being polite…and start getting real. Set to an edgy soundtrack, tempers flair and heads roll. Quite literally.
Survivor: Zombie. What do you mean “what’s the point because they all survive”? It’s the journey, not the destination.
The Real Zombies Of Atlanta. Cat fights, lavish homesteads and all out stylish diva war! And during the reunion episode, they get to eat Andy Cohen’s brains. So worth it.
Project Zombie. “With my looks and your brains, I could go somewhere!” This group of Zombie-nistas make it work for the opportunity to show at Forest Park Cemetery. Zombie models stumble their stuff as they drag a leg down the runway.
Shark/Zombie Week. Eat or be eaten. Maybe both.
Top Chef Zombie. Hosted by Anthony Bourdain, who knew there were so many variations for cooking organ meat?
I don’t know about you, but I’d give an arm and a leg to watch any of these.