A New Criminal Registry We Desperately Need

The Utah state legislature is considering a bill that would create an online registry for white-collar criminals convicted of felonies. Modeled upon the ubiquitous sex-offender registry, the white-collar registry is intended to deter ponzi schemers and investment scammers in the future. But there’s also a social element to it as well. During a recent hearing one Utah legislator stated “In addition to the deterrence value, it would also be nice to see a registry that isn’t filled with beady eyes and squirrely mustaches.”

This development got me thinking of another registry we desperately need – the Last Square Draper Registry. If you’ve ever lived in a group setting, you know exactly the type of criminal I’m talking about:

A Draper is a person who uses up almost the entire roll of toilet paper. But they stop when they realize that they have the last square in their hand. And then they drape it over the cardboard roll. The motivation for doing this is obvious – the Draper doesn’t want to have to go to the supply closet and get a fresh roll or, God forbid, walk to the supermarket. So they leave you a single, nearly worthless memento designed to show how considerate they are.

With the Last Square Draper Registry, an injured party could post pictures of the offending roommate and his despicable drapery. If you don’t think living with a Draper causes personal injury the same way someone wiping out your savings does, you obviously haven’t lived with a Draper. Be glad that your quick trips to the restroom have never entailed an unplanned shower as well. So, my new registry would protect all those good people who are simply looking to fill an empty bedroom before the rent comes due.

The Utah registry wisely proposes to take photos down once a felon has fully repaid his victims. I agree with this compassionate, forgive-and-forget approach and think it should be extended to the Last Square Draper Registry. Once you deliver a 24-pack of TP to your aggrieved roommates, they would be required to remove your picture from the registry.

I know this is the right approach, mostly because I used to be a total Draper. I wouldn’t want that shame following me around forever.