Man, oh man, have we seen a serious decline in the quality of some of our state Governors. It’s been like watching what happened to Van Halen when Sammy Hagar replaced The Toastmaster General, better known as David Lee Roth. Things went downhill fast. If you can’t do a sweet high-kick while wearing a pair of ass-less leather riding chaps, you just don’t deserve to front this rock band:
It’s the same with these Tea Party governors. On average they consume $130,000 in taxpayer dollars while sucking at their jobs. Their tenures achieve little other than causing conflict and making things harder for people who are already struggling. But worse, while feeding at the tax-trough, they blame the people struggling in their crummy economies for using desperately needed government assistance.
Maybe these guys will develop a sudden case of Speech Apraxia, which is an acquired condition where the tongue and mouth become unable to voice the messages being sent by the brain. That would solve so much. But it’s a rare condition and hence a long-shot for weary citizens.
These governors are in a tight competition to see who can be the most vicious toward their own people. Take the governor of Maine. He’s quite adept at framing cruelty as “tough-love” in the same way a crappy stepfather does. His new “welfare reform” proposal would require all applicants to apply for three jobs before receiving assistance.
This one is easy. You apply for the job of Governor three times, with a note attached that reads “I’ve learned that you can now be completely unqualified and still get this job.”
At some point, people in these states are gonna get sick of surging income inequality and crap wages and being blamed for not being able to get ahead financially. They’ll revolt. And when that happens, these governors can start wearing items from my hot new line of Tea Party bowling wear:
And for those in the warmer southern climates, where so many of these guys hold sway:
Retailing for a buck apiece, these beauties are hand-made by free-range child labor in China. But I still need a motto for the back. I’d love some suggestions.