You wouldn’t know by looking at me, would you, but I was once ~almost~ (suspenseful drumroll) a child criminal. Hard to believe, isn’t it?
And yet, so true. I remember the day clearly. I had just learned to read and I sat alone in my bedroom pondering the words I was reading. The label clearly stated, “Do not remove under penalty of law.” I looked around the room. Nobody was there, but I could hear my mother in the other room. Would she care? Would she report me to the pillow police? Would the pillow explode when I removed the tag? Would I hear sirens in the distance travel closer and closer to my home? Would I see lights flashing through my bedroom window? The stress was too much to handle.
In the end I decided that tearing the label off the pillow was not worth the risk of being sent to prison. And with the exception of stealing a Chunky bar – yes, I admit it, I stole a Chunky bar… (I should warn you at this time, you are about to read what might just be the longest sentence ever) in my defense, the commercial made it look so delicious, I HAD to have it and my mother refused to get it for me, but as with all deceptive commercials, it never mentioned that it had RAISINS in it – I hated raisins, or maybe it did mention the raisins (it did), but I couldn’t pay attention to the words when the man eating what looked like the most delectable delicacy on the planet (Arnold Stang) appeared to be enjoying it so much, it just had to be the best snack ever, but the moment the candy hit my mouth as I bit into those raisins and I had nowhere to spit out the vile stuff, because my mother might find it, I immediately learned an invaluable lesson about instant karma… I managed to stay out of jail.
By the way, nobody in the history of history has ever uttered the words, “chunk o’ chocolate,” as deliciously as Arnold Stang did. Here are some Chunky commercials for your entertainment.