How Illinoisans Advertise on TV

Throughout my “career,” I’ve dipped my feet into the hell, I mean well, of the advertising business, so I tend to pay attention to print ads, radio ads, and – my favorite – television commercials. I find them so annoying entertaining that some of them elicit an emotional reaction from me – sometimes rage (I could have written one SO MUCH better)!

But being the forgiving and observant person that I am, I have decided that if I’m going to be a responsible Illinois resident, I must convey to anyone interested in advertising the way Illinoisans advertise – if you want your advertising campaign to be successful, that is, I must relate what I know to be true about deceit (now there’s an oxymoron for you).

Anyway, let’s start with television lawyers. One thing I’ve noticed is that attorney advertising has proliferated over the past several years. You can’t watch anything anymore without lawyers begging to “help” you get the money YOU DESERVE. And those television-advertising lawyers must be very successful, because their sad pathetic pleas begging viewers to use their services continue to assault my television screen. So if you’re an attorney in Illinois (probably works well in other states as well), listen up! I’m going to help you take advantage of an effective form of advertising that will have litigants everywhere flocking to your door.

First, look directly into the camera. Distort your face in such a way that makes it look as if you are about to fall apart in emotional duress. In your saddest possible voice say something like, “Did your neighbor’s dog poop on your lawn and you like your neighbor’s house better than you like your own?”

Now lower the corners of your lips. “Do you want to take their home away from them? Well, we at Suckemdry Law Offices understand your dilemma and want to help you sue them right out of their house so that you can live there.” Make sure your eyebrows are furrowed in that little lost puppy kind of way, and don’t forget to mention your phone number in the ad. Act sincerely and let those viewers know that you won’t accept any money from them until they make money from the people they scammed who deserve to be put out of their misery (or the home your clients want).

Now let’s talk about auto sales and furniture sales, specifically furniture liquidation sales – unlike the somber attitude required in the previous commercial tutorial, this one calls for erratic energy. This one requires you to move your arms and hands in a way that does not match the emphasis in your voice. Remember, if you are emphasizing ANYTHING – anything at all, you must NOT – I repeat NOT – move your arms in a synchronizing fashion. And above all, you must act as if your audience has a hearing disorder.

SHOUT THE ENTIRE COMMERCIAL as you flail your unsynchronized arms around. SCREAM URGENCY! You are, after all, selling cars and furniture in the state of Illinois. Illinoisans apparently find auto and furniture sales to be of utmost importance. If you don’t SCREAM RAPIDLY, your viewers won’t understand how immediately imperative you need them to act. Even the address and phone number MUST BE SCREAMED.

OK. That last tutorial wore me out. I think I’ve done my job. Now it’s your turn to come up with a commercial the Illinois way. I would imagine these commercials would work anywhere, though, so – you’re welcome.

Wait – before I go, though I don’t want to step on any toes here (I can already feel bones crushing beneath the weight of my words), causes – yes those things that cause you to open your bank accounts, give away your your last meal and your youngest child – are yet another platform for making great commercials.

The first thing you have to do is locate the most pathetic photos or videos you can find of children or animals, play music that will reach into the souls of your viewers and allow the ripples of your message to rip out their hearts. Ask for only a few pennies a day with a voice that alerts your viewers to the fact that you are holding back from sobbing – THAT’S how important you have to make YOUR cause. Because no matter whether viewers already give thousands of dollars a year to their local animal shelter, the national cancer society, different homeless shelters, children’s homes, or any of the thousands of other causes that are near and dear to their hearts, you must GUILT THEM into contributing to yours too. It’s all about setting the tone for your commercial, and nothing brings in more money than heart-wrenching music, sad little puppies, and emaciated children. Who cares if contributors lose their homes funding your charitable organization? Remember, no cause is as important as yours!