Mr. President Helps Tulsa U.


Tulsa University announced it will be joined by the President.

We say it’s about time. Tulsa University is a small school but they value their academics and could use some help. We don’t know about their healthcare situation, whether it’s affordable or not but any help…

Hold it. Now we’re told the President helping Tulsa is a football recruit – Chad President, one of the top ranked quarterbacks in Texas. President had previously committed to Baylor.

Okay, this changes things, for the better. We’ll have years of funny headlines ahead of us. The federal government may not aiding Tulsa University but the comedy football gods are helping comedy writers.

I want Tulsa’s quarterback delivering inspirational speeches to the rest of the team. When they’re facing a particularly fearsome opponent, he can say “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” If their team goes into halftime trailing by 35 points, he can rally them by saying “Four scores and seven… is all the points we’re behind.” “Ask not what your team can do for you, but ask what you can do for your team!” “If you want to keep your jersey, you can keep your jersey.” “Fool me once, shame on me. Fool us twice, shame on TU.”

A few headlines? PRESIDENT LEADS HURRICANES. Try to tell us this doesn’t conjure up Katrina and George W. Bush. You can’t help it. PRESIDENT DESTROYS HOUSTON. I know. Folks might misread this headline and think we had a real problem with a Texas town. That is what makes Chad President’s term as Tulsa’s quarterback so delicious. Other quarterbacks will have seasons. He’ll have terms.

Chad President was a pretty good high school quarterback. He’s not only a President but his first name is the same as an entire country in Africa. After he finishes with an outstanding pro career he could become the President of Chad… in other words, the Chad President. Destiny, perhaps?

Tulsa University used to have Jerry Lewis as a mascot. Not the real Jerry Lewis but an impersonator running around, acting goofy, looking like the Nutty Professor. I enjoyed it and thought the guy playing Jerry did a good job. Do you know how much easier it is to find a Marilyn Monroe impersonator than finding a Jerry Lewis? Lots. That’s the answer. And if Chad President becomes quarterback, I propose finding a Marilyn to sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. President!” breathlessly, every week!! Every time Chad throws a touchdown, the band plays “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.” When the team comes on the field, let the band play “Hail to the Chief!”

I’m not sure whether the Golden Hurricanes will adopt my ideas, or not. I’ll be honest. I didn’t run any of them by their former linebacker, Phil McGraw, or, as some of you like to call him, Dr. Phil.

Whether Dr. Phil likes them or not, my ideas will be a shot-in-the-arm for their football program (by the way, we didn’t get Mr. President’s opinion on vaccinations) and hopefully they’re adopted. Tulsa’s program has been at low points lately but it has a proud tradition with guys like Drew Pearson, Howard Twilley and Steve Largent playing there. But none of them ever had a President for a quarterback.

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