New Missouri Law Requires Those On Public Assistance to Wear Burlap Sacks

Missouri lawmakers, in an effort to help those on public assistance more easily get ahead in their search for the American dream, have proposed a bill which would require such individuals wear burlap sacks as a condition of continued assistance. Cotton and other materials were deemed to be “way too comfortable” and “fancy” for those who allegedly need public help.

“I wear cotton, and it’s really comfortable. But I pay for it myself and I think it’s kind of luxurious for people who receive public assistance. Burlap, on the other hand, is scratchy on the skin and will serve as a constant reminder that they need to get a job as soon as possible. They can’t just sit around being all comfortable and rash-free,” said representative Tim Kirkland.

Senator Bill Finch went further, “It might even be more cost efficient if we make all of the burlap sack clothes for them. It would keep the costs down using economy of scale. We could even make a symbol on there, kinda like Nike does with that swoosh. We could put on there… maybe a yellow star or something. So we’d know who might, you know, need our help. And if they didn’t have a job, maybe we could get ‘em all on a train to take them all to some central location where they could work or something. It’s all about allowing people to maintain their dignity.”

Despite strong support in the legislature, some believe that due to early exposure via social media, it may be rough going for the “burlap bill.”