Presidential Beauty Pageant


After giving Fiorino a low score in the “looks” department in his Rolling Stone interview, Donald Trump holds out hope for the former Hewlett-Packard CEO in the swimsuit competition.

“From the neck down, she’s not bad for a broad on the wrong side of fifty,” Trump told This Reporter. “But I wouldn’t want to see her in a bikini.”

“Beg pardon, sir, but Carly Fiorino is running for President, not competing in the Miss Universe contest,” said This Reporter.

“You know that. I know that,” said Trump, “But the American people don’t care about details. They want the big picture.”

“Maybe not now, but eventually you’ll have to debate about the issues,” said This Reporter.

“Not me. I don’t allow myself to get bogged down in facts, politics or anything vaguely approaching reason,” said Trump. “I focus on two things alone. What is my opponent’s weak spot? And how can I inflict the most pain.”

“You learned that at Wharton?” asked This Reporter.

“Hell, no. I learned that in wrestling at the military academy. If you can’t nail ‘em in the scrotum, always go for the kidneys,” said Trump.  “For instance, if Fiorino were a man, and I have reason to suspect she very well may be, I wouldn’t have attacked her looks. I would’ve pointed out that she has the business scruples of a menopausal monkey.”

“Aren’t you afraid of alienating female voters?” asked This Reporter.

“Women love me,” crowed Trump. “Do you know why?”

“Um, because you’re very, very rich?”

“That helps. But the real reason I resonate with women voters is because I tap into their insecurities. Women are filled with self-loathing. I know. I’ve been married to some very beautiful, smart women who had absolutely no self-esteem by the time I was done with them,” said Trump. “So when I slam a gorgeous, intelligent news anchor like Megyn Kelly, I hit a nerve. I vindicate their worst fears.”

“Aren’t you afraid that kind of mean-spirited name calling will backfire?”

“You kidding?” said Trump, “I’m so high in the polls, I could piss on the Statue of Liberty and my numbers would go up.”

“You just bought back the rights to Miss Universe,” said This Reporter. “How can you run an international beauty pageant and run for president at the same time?”

“Because there’s no difference between the two,” said Trump. “Haven’t you seen my show?”

“Yes, but The Apprentice and Miss Universe are television programs. If something goes wrong you can edit it out. But as President, you’ll have to take full responsibility for every word you say, everything you do. The world will be watching,” said This Reporter.

“And I will give them a show like they’ve never seen before. I’ll make America huge again. Those boring Senate filabusters?  I’ll have Beyonce and Kanye take the floor.  Those endless press conferences?  They’ll be a lot more entertaining with the Rockettes.”

“So, you’re saying that politics in America is no more than a reality TV show that’s gone off the rails?” asked This Reporter.

“I’m saying that the 2016 Presidential Race is a beauty contest and I am the best looking competitor. I am also the richest,” said Trump. “No one wants to wake up in the morning next to Hillary Clinton, especially not Bill. Bernie Sanders looks like Giappetto. I need anesthesia just to look at Ben Carson. And Biden, if he runs, loses to me in the hair department.”

Trump patted his golden pompadour which hadn’t moved even though we were standing on a windswept tarmac next to his jumbo jet.

“But what about political experience?” asked This Reporter.

“Isn’t is obvious?” he said. “The American people have had enough of politics. They don’t want to hear long-winded debates about foreign policy, economics or trade. They want a President who fuels their hatred of Mexicans and blacks and their love of guns and money. That’s what I represent.”

“If you’re elected….”

When I’m elected…” Trump corrected.

“When you’re elected, what’s the first thing you’ll do about the Iran deal?”

“I’ll rip it to shreds and put replace it with an evening gown competition,” said Trump, climbing aboard his personal jet, pausing in the doorway and giving a Presidential wave.


Stacia Friedman is the founder of DailyLobotomy and the author of Tender is the Brisket.









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