Raccoon Aided Breathalyzer Lands Car in Drink
In San Diego, a Camp Pendleton petty officer was arrested for, get this, “AB– USE OF PUBLIC ANIMAL, DRUNKEN OR RECKLESS DRIVING.”
Did you get the first part – “Abuse of Public Animal”? That’s what they call it when you’re so drunk you can’t overcome the breathalyzer to start your car, but not so drunk you can’t find a raccoon rummaging in a trash receptacle to assist you.
To assist you? Those little striped claw footed masked bandits will assist your drunken ass? Please go on with the police report.
“INDIVIDUAL UTILIZED RACCOON TO BLOW INTO THE INTERLOCK SYSTEM SUCCESSFULLY”
Oh my, not so drunk you can’t cleverly recruit a surrogate to help you get another DUI. And why was the raccoon so willing? Oh, he wasn’t? More police report, thank you:
“RACCOON BECAME UNCONSCIOUS FROM BEING SQUEEZED AND THEN DISCARDED ON THE FLOORBOARD OF THE VEHICLE”
Whoa! Whoa, again? “Unconscious from being squeezed?” Like an accordion? Mama’s got a squeezebox but it’ll bite your head off? The guy not only captures a raccoon, maybe “steals” is a better word, then against the raccoon’s will brings him to the drunkard’s car, tells him blow or no, and then when the raccoon won’t cooperate, he squeezes the breath out of the critter right into the breathalyzer. Squeezes the little guy hard enough he passes out. That’s cold, even for a drunken sailor. Then what? More police report:
“UNTIL A SHORT TIME LATER WHEN THE RACCOON REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS AND BEGAN TO ATTACK THE SUSPECT WHILE DRIVING, CAUSING THE VEHICLE TO CRASH INTO A RESIDENTIAL FENCE”
Yeah, we can see that. You’re clever enough to recruit an assistant to do your blowing for you, squeeze him so hard he passes out, but didn’t think about kicking him out of the car? Maybe you thought you’d need him later when you needed to restart your car a second time? I’m not sure, Mr. Navy Man, but it doesn’t sound like you’re making great decisions. What did you think the raccoon was going to do, not attack you after you’re squeezed the crap out of him? What happens next, police report?
“THE VEHICLE CAME TO A COMPLETE STOP IN AN INGROUND SWIMMING POOL. THE SUSPECT SUSTAINED NUMEROUS SCRATCHES AND BITE MARKS TO THE HANDS, FACE, STOMACH AND ARMS.”
Yeah, the little guy wakes up and not only is he in a moving vehicle but a drunken sailor is driving, probably tossing out some choice curse words. Hell, yeah, the raccoon says “Stop this vehicle and let me out. I don’t want to end up being shark bait when you drive off a pier. Here’s a goodbye kiss for your trouble.”
Okay, we made that part up. We don’t know what the raccoon said. He didn’t hang around to give the arresting officer his side of the story. But the rest is word for word police report. We can’t make this up. But when you have Navy drunks like this, why try?