Supermodels Relieved as Patriots Break “Curse of Gisele”

NEW YORK.  When rookie defensive back Malcolm Butler intercepted a last-second pass Sunday night to clinch a Super Bowl victory for the New England Patriots, a cheer went up from an unlikely crowd; fifteen scrawny, high-cheekboned women at the Susan/Jacobs Modeling Agency here.

“At last the cloud that has hung over us like a turtle is lifted,” said Elise-Ann Jacoby in an accent that careens back and forth between proper boarding school English and her native French.  “Now perhaps we can live in the peace our hearts desire and marry famous American football players.”


“This one’s for you, Gisele!”

 

Jacoby is a “supermodel,” a minority group that has suffered under a vexing disability since researchers at the nexus of fashion and professional football noticed a disturbing trend; an NFL quarterback’s passer rating is negatively impacted by dating, sex with and marriage to a supermodel.

“If you look at Tom Brady’s career, he’s on an upwards trajectory until 2006, when he met supermodel Gisele Bundchen,” says ProFootballInsider.com’s Hank Brandnewjetski.  “They get married in 2009, he gets a hoo-doo on him and drops two straight Super Bowls to the New York Giants on mysteriously miraculous catches.  There’s no other explanation.”  The phenomenon came to be called the “Curse of Gisele” to Boston-area sports fans, who viewed the X-year span from Patriots’ victories in Super Bowls XXXIX and XLIX as the IInd-worst championship drought in history after the LXXXVI-year period during which the Red Sox went without a World Series victory after trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees, commonly known as the “Curse of the Bambino.”

A “supermodel” is a highly paid fashion model with a worldwide reputation.  A “Super Bowl” is a series of television commercials periodically interrupted by American professional football.


Kloss, Bradford:  “Seriously, coach–my QB rating will be fine!”

 

Academic researchers eager to replicate Brandnewjetski’s results were encouraged when St. Louis Rams quarterback Sam Bradford began dating supermodel Karlie Kloss, and peer-reviewed papers have now been published that confirm the early conjectures of footballologists.  “Sam Bradford is maybe the biggest bust ever for a #1 draft pick,” says Dr. Nolan Coelho of Indiana University’s School of Sports Medical Studies.  “Karlie Kloss, on the other hand, is majorly supermodelish.”

Share this Post:

One thought on “Supermodels Relieved as Patriots Break “Curse of Gisele””

Comments are closed.