Can I Get An Ale, Man? Sweet Baby Jesus Beer Taken Off Store Shelves | HumorOutcasts

Can I Get An Ale, Man? Sweet Baby Jesus Beer Taken Off Store Shelves

June 16, 2015

sweet baby jesusphoto by Michael Bentley / CC BY 

A Cleveland, Ohio grocery store chain is pulling beer off its shelves after experiencing a come-to-Jesus moment with local customers.

In a classic case of “you got your peanut butter on my chocolate – you got your chocolate on my peanut butter”, patrons of Heinen’s food stores got all Old Testament when the store began stocking Sweet Baby Jesus chocolate/peanut butter beer. The problem didn’t stem from a perceived lack of purity, but rather, what they felt was the slanderous use of Jesus’ name on the label. And although the beer itself has become quite popular because it’s sinfully delicious, the idea of taking a sip and the Lord’s name in vain made a chosen few feel like even a nice cold beer wasn’t enough to save them from the burning fires of Hell.

For his part, the store manager admitted to identifying the title with the movie Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, saying “You know that scene where they’re saying grace and Will Farrell says his favorite Jesus is the baby Jesus, but you could like whichever one you want, the bearded one or the old one? I just always think of that with this beer. Like when I drink it, I’m all ‘Sweet Baby Jesus, this tastes like a peanut butter cup!'”

For their part, DuClaw Brewing Company, the Baltimore, MD manufacturers of the beer, said they had nothing but praise for those who embraced their product, saying in a recent statement, “Those of you without sin, cast the first cap. We at DuClaw would like to think that The Almighty has a sense of humor. I mean, look at Donald Trump,” adding, “Ultimately it’s the store’s decision to either stock our beer or not. Once it hits those delivery trucks, we wash our feet of the whole matter.”

In an attempt to appeal to customers, asking them to relent, Heinen’s officials in conjunction with DuClaw, acknowledged that while some may find the beer’s moniker offensive, they meant no harm. The CEO of DuClaw was quoted as saying, “My customers, my customers…what have I done to you? Or in what have I offended you?”

At press time, they still have not answered him.

A devout worshipper of the craft brew remained stoic about the recent developments, saying “It’s just really good beer. Hey, I’m not offended. Listen, it pairs well with so many things. What did you drink with your last supper? I had a Sweet Baby Jesus, and it tasted like a Reese’s peanut butter loving cup. As far as I’m concerned, wherever two or more are gathered in His name, there is love. And the beginnings of a 6-pack.”

Linda Roy

Linda Roy is a humorist, writer, musician living in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. Her blog elleroy was here is a mix of humor and music she refers to as "funny with a soundtrack". She is Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief at the politics & pop culture website Lefty Pop and was named one of BlogHer's Voices of the Year for 2014. Her work has appeared at The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Aiming Low, Funny Not Slutty, Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Mamapedia, Sprocket Ink, The Weeklings, and BonBon Break. She's the female Larry David, and will criticize your parallel parking to prove it. When she's not snarking and kvetching, she's fronting the Indie/Americana band Jehova Waitresses.

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10 Responses to Can I Get An Ale, Man? Sweet Baby Jesus Beer Taken Off Store Shelves

  1. June 18, 2015 at 10:00 am

    Oh, my God. I’ve never heard of this beer and now I couldn’t want to try it more! Maybe they can do the lame Kentucky Fried Chicken thing and switch to “KFC” then claim it stands for Kitchen Fresh Chicken. I’m still laughing about that one.

    (Seriously, where can I get my hands on that beer. I don’t care it they call it Shitballs. It sounds amazing!)

  2. June 17, 2015 at 9:32 am

    Beer and Peanut Butter Cups…truly a miracle…We all know Jesus was a drinking man.Pretty sure this would get a two thumbs up from the Big Guy. Love your as you love yourself!

  3. June 16, 2015 at 8:39 pm

    How do we not know he liked his name on the beer label? I don’ t think they should have assumed!

    • June 17, 2015 at 9:23 am

      Gonna have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do on judgement day.

  4. June 16, 2015 at 8:39 pm

    It would work better with wine. Jesus turned water into wine. O:)

    • June 17, 2015 at 9:25 am

      Right? Next thing you know, that whole loaves and fishes thing is gonna be reappropriated to accommodate burgers and fries. Is nothing sacred?

  5. Bill Spencer
    June 16, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Sweet Baby Jesus–good for what ales you.

    Gives new meaning to “bottle redemption.”

    • June 17, 2015 at 9:26 am

      Amen, brother Bill!

  6. June 16, 2015 at 4:16 pm

    Would those “chosen few” prefer to drink a beer called Dancing With The Devil, that tastes like Hot Tamales and Mike and Ikes?

    • June 16, 2015 at 5:16 pm

      I don’t know about the chosen few, but HELL, I would.

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