The Great Jello Assault

jellowcubesKids love Jello. Or so we are told. But as a kid, I never “got” it. I saw it as a worthless food-like substance that didn’t taste like it looked, frequently contained hidden fruit, and never satisfied like crunchy chocolate anything.

But later in life I discovered a much different use for the wiggly, stiffened colored water that, to me, always looked more suited for an art installation than a staple at a cafeteria.VerducciHall

I was on the 12th floor of the dorms at San Francisco State, back when college used to be powered by sweating freshman slaves shoveling coal into a furnace to the beat of a giant drum.

My roommate and I had a window that faced out towards the sports fields.  It didn’t take long until we realized that lunatic tennis players liked to get up at the freakin’ crack of dawn and start hitting tennis balls around.

tenniscourtSo before 6am, after a couple of hours of sleep due to, ah, excessive studying . . . we would awaken to “THWOCK, THWOCK, THWOCK!  HA HA GOOD SHOT TRAVIS! THWOCK! THWOCK . . .”

This situation was simply untenable.

So one evening, we loaded up a couple of trays from the Food Center with all the little bowls of multi-colored Jello cubes that no one ever ate, and took them back to our dorm room.

broadsideThe next morning, at the first THWOCK of dawn, we opened our window and launched several volleys of Jello cubes at the unsuspecting tennis idiots below.  Their childish screams as their white shorts turned rainbow colored were like a long snooze button to our ears.

Apparently broadsides of dozens of colorful Jello cubes plummeting to the hard court from 12 floors above, can generate enough impact to alter someone’s serve, as well as correct their sense of time.

We slept better after that.  Thanks to Jello.

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12 thoughts on “The Great Jello Assault”

  1. Yelling at them in a fake British accent, “JELLO MATE!” Then giggle like a school girl. Creepy and quite effective. 😉

  2. I thought you were going to tell us that you poisoned Travis and his mates with Jello. I wonder if Chef can give us a recipe for poisoning Travis and his cohorts with Jello? I’ve only gone and taken this somewhere else, haven’t I?

    1. Yes you have, but that is okay. I poisoned Travis with potent shame and powerful humiliation disguised in colored sugar. But if you want to take the lead and poison Travis and his mates (who are all named Trent), have Chef make his best hemlock jello and substitute it for the frat’s jello shots during rush.

  3. Teach me, O Master Warrior, how to make weapons of anything close to hand. Even such unlikely curios as cubes of gelatin or barbs of exceptional wit.

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