The Great Jello Assault | HumorOutcasts

The Great Jello Assault

June 15, 2015

jellowcubesKids love Jello. Or so we are told. But as a kid, I never “got” it. I saw it as a worthless food-like substance that didn’t taste like it looked, frequently contained hidden fruit, and never satisfied like crunchy chocolate anything.

But later in life I discovered a much different use for the wiggly, stiffened colored water that, to me, always looked more suited for an art installation than a staple at a cafeteria.VerducciHall

I was on the 12th floor of the dorms at San Francisco State, back when college used to be powered by sweating freshman slaves shoveling coal into a furnace to the beat of a giant drum.

My roommate and I had a window that faced out towards the sports fields.  It didn’t take long until we realized that lunatic tennis players liked to get up at the freakin’ crack of dawn and start hitting tennis balls around.

tenniscourtSo before 6am, after a couple of hours of sleep due to, ah, excessive studying . . . we would awaken to “THWOCK, THWOCK, THWOCK!  HA HA GOOD SHOT TRAVIS! THWOCK! THWOCK . . .”

This situation was simply untenable.

So one evening, we loaded up a couple of trays from the Food Center with all the little bowls of multi-colored Jello cubes that no one ever ate, and took them back to our dorm room.

broadsideThe next morning, at the first THWOCK of dawn, we opened our window and launched several volleys of Jello cubes at the unsuspecting tennis idiots below.  Their childish screams as their white shorts turned rainbow colored were like a long snooze button to our ears.

Apparently broadsides of dozens of colorful Jello cubes plummeting to the hard court from 12 floors above, can generate enough impact to alter someone’s serve, as well as correct their sense of time.

We slept better after that.  Thanks to Jello.

Forrest Brakeman

Forrest is a former stand-up comedian, half of the ancient comedy team of Proops & Brakeman. After training with the Groundlings, he founded the improv comedy group Los Angeles Theatresports where he performed and served as Co-Artistic Director. Forrest has performed at The Comedy Store and The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, The Punch Line and Cobb's Pub in San Francisco, and has appeared on The Tonight Show and The Sunday Comics. His essays have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Huffington Post, Scary Mommy/The Mid, Boomer Cafe, the Los Angeles Daily News, NPR's "This I Believe," and the Chicago Cubs Yearbook (you heard me).

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12 Responses to The Great Jello Assault

  1. June 17, 2015 at 8:24 pm

    So the original saying was: “There’s always roommates for Jello…bombing.” Oh college,I do miss the irresponsibilty so much.

    • June 18, 2015 at 11:58 am

      I did have a good roommate who saw the true use of a tray full of Jello. Coulda been worse. He could have been a tennis player.

  2. Deb Martin-Webster
    June 17, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    Yelling at them in a fake British accent, “JELLO MATE!” Then giggle like a school girl. Creepy and quite effective. 😉

    • June 17, 2015 at 6:19 pm

      Then throw the Jello cubes? ‘Cause I do have a pretty good school girl giggle…

  3. Bill Y Ledden
    June 16, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    I thought you were going to tell us that you poisoned Travis and his mates with Jello. I wonder if Chef can give us a recipe for poisoning Travis and his cohorts with Jello? I’ve only gone and taken this somewhere else, haven’t I?

    • June 16, 2015 at 4:21 pm

      Yes you have, but that is okay. I poisoned Travis with potent shame and powerful humiliation disguised in colored sugar. But if you want to take the lead and poison Travis and his mates (who are all named Trent), have Chef make his best hemlock jello and substitute it for the frat’s jello shots during rush.

  4. June 16, 2015 at 9:23 am

    Finally a good use for Jello. Because it isn’t edible and doesn’t improve shots either.

    • June 16, 2015 at 11:03 am

      Shots don’t need improvement. Jello can’t be improved no matter how hard you try.

  5. Bill Spencer
    June 15, 2015 at 8:41 pm

    Teach me, O Master Warrior, how to make weapons of anything close to hand. Even such unlikely curios as cubes of gelatin or barbs of exceptional wit.

    • June 15, 2015 at 10:14 pm

      When you can snatch the Skittle from my hand, you will be weaponized.

  6. June 15, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    When life gives you Jello cubes . . .

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