Your Philosophical Love Advisor

Love is one of the great mysteries of human existence, so who better to answer your romance-related questions than the Philosophical Love Advisor!

Image result for schopenhauer
Arthur Schopenhauer:  “So you think crème rinse would help?”

 

Dear Philosophical Love Advisor:

I have been dating this guy “Duane” who lives in Smithton for two years now.  We met at Pork Rinds Anonymous, a 12-step program for people addicted to fatty snack foods.

We are both divorced so we have that in common too.  My problem is this: While I have had “Duane” to my house several times to meet my kids Jolene and Donny Ray from my first marriage, whenever it’s Duane’s turn he says he wants a catfish basket or something else you can’t make at home unless you have a deep fryer so we go out.  As a result, his kids don’t know I exist.

Donna Ray (see where my boy got his name!) Haskins, Chillicothe, MO


“Well, guess I better git dressed for the Pork Rinds Anonymous meetin’.”

 

Dear Donna Ray:

The nature of existence is one that has bedeviled philosophers since the dawn of the discipline, and the question might properly be put right “back at ya”–how do you know you exist?  Not so easy when the burden of proof shifts, is it?

One “do-it-yourself” trick that philosophers use to establish existence–sort of like a home pregnancy test–was developed by Rene Descartes, who said “I think–therefore I am.”  If you can feel yourself thinking like him, and can express it in language, you may exist too!


“I think, therefore I am.  You, I’m not so sure of.”

 

Dear Philosophical Love Advisor:

I had successfully fended off a series of men hoping to save my maidenhead for my marriage night, when I succumbed to the advances of a boy–I will call him “Johan”– who is in my Intro to Philosophy 101 class (3 credits).  We were up in his dorm room looking at his three-volume set of Kant when he blurted out “I’d love to marry you!”

Of course this is every girl’s dream: to be wed to a thoughtful man who will bounce from one low-paying adjunct faculty position to another while writing crabbed, recondite monographs on increasingly narrower questions!  I pulled off my blouse and said “Take me, I’m yours!” and we had coitus right then and there, love between the Second and Third Critiques!

Then the next Thursday I saw Johan with this bimbo “Myra” who works the cash register in the sweatshirt section of the bookstore, having Cokes and playing footsie in the student union.  I asked him what the big idea was–we had spent a lot of time talking about big ideas, you said you’d love to marry me.

Johan gives me this look like I’ve got two heads and said “That was a mere expression of a wish or a personal judgment, not a performative utterance that rose to the level of an offer or promise to marry”–and went right back to footsie-playing!

I haven’t read any existentialists yet and so am not yet fully aware of how absurd and indifferent the universe is, but that really frosted my you-know-what.  Is there a premise of a syllogism I’m missing here?

Annamarie Leyten, Class of ’16, University of Massachusetts-Seekonk


“I’m Sophomore Class Philosophy Queen–and don’t you forget it!”

 

Dear Annamarie–

Johan is right, at least according to J.L. Austin, a leading proponent of the “ordinary language” school of thought who was voted “Geekiest Looking Philosopher of the 20th Century” by a bi-partisan panel of specialists drawn from all philosophic disciplines.  It was Austin who came up with the concept of a performative utterance, one that not only conveys information but also produces an actual consequence in the real world.  Had Johan said “Will you marry me?” and you had said “I will” before you ripped off your blouse, you wouldn’t have to write letters to me, you could sue for breach of promise.

 


“Austin’s here–NOW the party’s started!”

 

Dear Philosophical Advisor Person:

I am a photocopy specialist in the Philosophy Department at Gadarene College in Normal, Illinois.  I have become “smitten” by one particular young Ph. D. candidate whom I will call “Tyler,” which is his real name.  He is unlike other philosophy majors, not stuck up or snotty at all.

I thought I would “kindle” our romance by inviting him over to watch the Stanley Cup finals, and things were going well until Game 2 when I said “Do you think we should pull our goalie?” near the end of regulation.  He turned on me and gave me a look and said “To paraphrase Wittgenstein, whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”

Mr. or Ms. Philosophical Advisor–I think that is the meanest thing anybody has EVER said to me in my whole entire life!  I was only making polite conversation because I’m trying to make this relationship work, dammit!

I’d like to give this “Wittgenstein” a piece of my mind.  Do you know where he teaches?

Ellen Widmer, Mason City, IL


“Stick that in your categorical imperative!”

Dear Ellen–

Ludwig Wittgenstein did indeed write those words, at the end of his only #1 hit, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus.  Unfortunately for your desperate dream of vengeance, he died in 1951.  He said a lot of other controversial things, like if you give money to the poor you’ll only corrupt them, so give it to the rich–what a nut!

As for giving someone a piece of your mind, I’d hold on to what you have.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Let’s Get Philosophical.”

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2 thoughts on “Your Philosophical Love Advisor”

  1. While Annamarie does look like she has a stick up her derriere, I am more concerned about the photo you have for DONNA Ray. Do we need to chat? 🙂

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