I have a new diet plan this year. It differs from all other diets in that it uses obfuscation, misdirection and outright lying, things that have always worked for me in the past.
It’s based on a simple question – how smart is the stomach? Can it be easily fooled? Can I sneak some fat, a strip of bacon and some chicken popcorn into my diet, if it’s masked by a heavy onslaught of bee pollen, amino 3 fatty acids, the entire alphabet of vitamins and some Go-Gurt? Okay, that’s three questions, but aren’t they simple?
Will the stomach notice the illicit food and add the calories? Or will I get away with it calorie-free?
You already know the eating process is like cross-border shopping or arriving at airport customs. There’s a big search before the food is allowed to enter the stomach. Will you get caught with the bad stuff?
It goes something like this…
Stomach: Welcome to Empty Stomach, USA. What are you declaring?
Food: We have a skinless, boneless, free range, antibiotic-free, Montessori-schooled chicken breast with plaque-free artichoke hearts beating a very healthy 52 beats/minute, quinoa salad found meditating in the Peruvian mountains and pink Himalayan sea salt dissolved in coconut water.
Stomach: Did you pack this food yourself?
Food: Yahuh.
Stomach: Let’s see the meat. What’s this? Bacon stuffed in the chicken?
Food: Oh, that’s not mine.
Stomach: Wow, I’ve never heard that before. What’s underneath that quinoa? Is that a…no! That’s a Ding Dong.
Food: Um, ding dong the witch is dea…how did that get there?
Stomach: Listen, if it were up to me I would let it all in. I love pork bellies. But I have the brain quoting Wheat Belly to me all day, the blood is under a ton of pressure and the colon…oh, the colon. “See how you feel if I don’t give a crap”, he says. Colon the kill-joy.
Food: Is there another stomach we can use?
Stomach: Am I a cow? Hey, do you play poker?
Food: Sure do.
Stomach: I see your hand and raise you a plate of broccoli and snow peas, for lunch tomorrow.
Food: Ohhhh, I get it. Are cream puffs wild?
Stomach: I’m a stomach, not a pussy.
Food: Okay. I see your broccoli/snow peas and raise you a deep-fried banana split, on Thursday.
Stomach: Hmmm. What kind of nuts are on it? Maybe pistachios, the most slimming of all nuts?
Food: Ya. And extra chocolate sauce.
Stomach: Alright. Go on through.
Brain: STOMACH? ARE WE DOING OUR JOB?
Stomach: Brain, brain, brain. The stomach wants what the stomach wants.
I have tried this diet, and the Cabbage Diet, the Scarsdale Diet, the Atkins Diet and all the rest. This one might be my fav!
That damn stomach is so not accommodating.
Have you tried bypassing stomach security by smuggling calories inside a body cavity?