New York, October 6, 2016 – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today that, if elected, he plans a corporate-style merger between the United States and Russia.
“I’ve always admired the way Russia’s President Putin has such great control of his country,” Trump said in a press conference earlier today. “Of course, that’s easy to do when your country doesn’t have pesky problems like the First Amendment. But you know I’m a dedicated capitalist, so you don’t have to worry about communism coming to the United States.”
Trump says the new country, the United States of Russerica, will combine capitalism with KGB-style tactics for free speech oppression. “You know I’ve always wanted to rewrite libel laws so I could make lots of money suing journalists who say mean things about me. Well, in the U.S. of R, I’ll still be able to do that. First, the secret police will quietly collect the person who said something mean about me, then a bill for my expected legal fees will be sent to his or her next of kin, who will also pay the eventual judgment in the libel case.”
Questioned about the legality of his plan, Trump said that wasn’t an issue. “I have the best lawyers, and they tell me I can finally get around those silly antitrust laws that have plagued me for years. You see, antitrust laws apply to corporations, but nowhere in all that legal mumbo-jumbo does it forbid a business merger between two huge countries.”
When asked if he would be paying taxes in Russia or America, the candidate had no comment.