Hello?

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Why do we answer the phone with “hello” as if it’s a question?

I hear it all the time. “Hello?”

Are we really that uncertain about someone being on the other end? Maybe it’s the phone itself calling us. What if it’s our stalker, calling to say he’s on his way over to murder us and will we be home. Oh no, I’m not sure I want to say hi to him.

We’ve been answering phones for a long time and yet we still struggle with whether “hello” is the proper initial greeting. I can understand Alexander Graham Bell saying “hello?”. That was the first time anyone used a phone, and you’d expect him to think, “Shit, my new invention is ringing, what do I say? I guess I’ll try “hello”.

“Um, hello?”

“And hello to you. What a great way to start a conversation. Let’s go with that.”

Since then, we’ve had lots of practice. As far as I can tell, “hello” has been the proper greeting when answering the phone, long before the phone was ever invented.

When we say hello to someone in person, we manage to say “hello!” as if it’s a declaration. “Hello there! Yes, definitely HELLO!” Why not on the phone?

Perhaps the problem is we don’t know who’s calling. But that could be better covered with, “Hello!”, and then, “Who’s calling?”. Besides, we have caller I.D., so we can say, “Oh, it’s you again. Hi Sam.”

Maybe we should say “speak!” with an exclamation point, since we know that chances are, the person on the other side will want to speak, as that’s really the best use of the phone.

Mime artists just don’t do well on the phone.

If you have a bent for Shakespeare, you can answer, “Give utterance, thou’ist who call me.”

“Now take leave of me and hang up!”

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