December 29, 2016, New York – After announcing yesterday that he would write his own inauguration speech, Donald Trump spent several hours on a first draft, according to an anonymous source close to the president-elect. This source provided us with a copy, smuggled out of Trump Tower in an empty caviar can. (The source says this explains why the speech may smell fishy.)
The following is a transcript of the leaked document:
Today is a bigly great day for America, because I, Donald J. Trump, am finally going to make America great again, after Obama screwed it up. Yes, America’s going to be great again now that it’s in my very large, capable hands. Did I mention how large and manly my hands are? I assure you, there’s no problem down there…uh, in my hands.
As you all know, America faces many serious problems right now. Bigly problems. All Obama’s fault. Him and Hillary Clinton, they started ISIS. You know that? They personally handed out weapons to ISIS. Well, now that America is in my big hands, I’ll be fixing that problem. But first, I must declare war on America’s number one enemy: Alec Baldwin and SNL. I will personally launch a series of Twitter attacks on Baldwin and that totally un-funny show. SNL mean to Trump. Hamilton actors mean to Mike Pence. Trump not like mean people. If my Twitter attack doesn’t work, I will consider other bigly impressive options, up to and including the use of nuc-u-lar weapons.
That brings me to my next top priority: America needs more nukes. Once I’m done with Baldwin and SNL, I’m going to have to go after ISIS, too. Nuclear weapons are bigly expensive, so I’m increasing the budget by twenty trillion. Don’t worry, I’m a successful businessman, so if we can’t afford it we’ll just declare bankruptcy and get our nukes for free.
Now, I’d like to move on to another bigly serious problem America faces today: Rising health care costs. Health care costs are insane! Do you know how much Melania’s last boob job cost me? It was ridiculous. It’s getting so hard-working Americans can’t afford essential health care, and it’s all Obama’s fault. After I deal with the Alec Baldwin problem, my next step will be to repeal Obamacare, forcing health insurance companies to come to their senses and lower rates. Because, you know, if they can exclude people for pre-existing conditions, and they don’t have to cover all the things any more, they’ll have to lower their rates. See what a smart businessman I am?
While we’re on the subject, the balloons and confetti you see dropping from the ceiling are all for sale. The balloons are $100 each, and the confetti is $150 per handful. Checks may be made payable to Trump Enterprises, which is being run in a blind trust by my children, who sometimes sit it on meetings I have with foreign dignitaries so they can help me run the country AND my business. Also, if you wish to use the restroom, there will be a $3 upcharge for each square of Hillary Clinton toilet paper you use. Wipe freely, folks.
Now, where was I with making America great again? Oh, right, slander. Due to so many publications writing false, libelous, demeaning things about me and erroneously calling them facts, I’ve decided to open up libel laws and make it easier for rich, powerful people to sue the media for saying mean things about them. Because why call a press conference and refute negative claims when you can sue for lots of money, right? In the meantime, I’ve decided we need a national news network to get people the real news, so I’ve declared Fox News the Official American News Network. No other network can be trusted. Because America needs an official newspaper also, I’ve selected Breitbart, a true testament to journalistic integrity. In the words of another great American, almost as great as myself, Ronald Reagan, “Trust means you never have to verify your sources.” I trust Breitbart. That’s why I hired it’s former leader, Steve Bannon, to be my top adviser.
Now, I know some of you are wondering about that wall I promised to build. Never fear, the wall will happen, and it will be great, and it will totally stop illegal immigration and the loss of American jobs. Some of you may be worried about cost, but like I said, I am a brilliant businessman. Bigly brilliant. So in my bigly brilliant brain, I came up with an idea. I’ll get the metal for my wall from Taiwan, and it’ll be a lot cheaper than what China was going to charge me. Haha! I’m making diplomacy great again, folks. And speaking of the China, this wall is going to be so great, it’ll make the Great Wall of China look mediocre, that’s how bigly better it’ll be. Did I mention the Great Wall of China is so lousy because Obama built it? He did, he built the Lousy Wall of China. And he designed the whole southern border of the U.S. to be inferior, so illegal immigrants could sneak in easily. I don’t know where he found the time for all that, what with founding ISIS and being on vacation from the Oval Office during 9/11, but somehow he managed to screw that up too.
In closing, I’d like to remind everyone of the words of another American who was almost, but not quite, as bigly great as me, President John F. Kennedy. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” If you’re wondering what you can do for your country, I’ll tell you: You can help us rebuild the economy that Obama ruined by staying at Trump hotels, buying Trump real estate, visiting Trump golf courses, and trying your luck at Trump Casinos. Remember that you will receive a tax break for all expenditures at these fine American businesses. Thanks to me for this bigly great speech, and no thanks to Obama for all the things he screwed up. Good night.
The Trump transition team could not be reached for comment.