9 Strategies to help you conquer spring cleaning | HumorOutcasts

9 Strategies to help you conquer spring cleaning

April 24, 2017

The calendar has declared the arrival of spring, even though we are still sporting coats, boots and mittens to fend off frostbite. Since I am the Queen of Superficial Cleaning, I feel it is my duty to share some valuable spring cleaning strategies.

Photo courtesy depositphoto/used with permission

  1. Start with uplifting music blaring loud enough to drown out the whirr of the vacuum cleaner. My favorite is ‘Art of Celebration’ performed by the experimental Christian rock band ‘Rend Collective.’ Hearing this motivating music inspired by the power of God makes me ‘More Than a Conqueror’ and curtails swearing. And drinking. Definitely drinking.
  2. Record a video showing step-by-step instructions on how the windows tilt out for future reference because you can’t depend on husband hearing your screams when you get sandwiched between the panes of the Magnum Double Hung. And you don’t want to risk losing consciousness, when you take a toke of argon gas after breaking the window seal.
  3. When washing windows, especially the sliders, do not look back. It’s not worth doubling your OCD meds to determine whether the remaining dog snot is on the inside or the outside. Just be happy you abolished a single layer and move on.
  4. I use a homemade window cleaner for my infrequent window washing tasks. I don’t think it leaves streaks, but I’m not sure, because I don’t look back. When you mix it in a used Shout® container, remember to add a legible label. It works well as a spot remover, but your clothes will smell like vinegar.
  5. We have a trashcan at the end of the couch, and all winter we hoard tissues that absorb slime from viral infections. Rather than discard, I send them to the Centers for Disease Control, so they can utilize them for studies. This doubles as spring cleaning and a public health service, since it guarantees a better match for next year’s flu shot. You’re welcome.
  6. Do not attempt to install the screen door by yourself. If you do, and a black plastic thingy goes flying, chase it until you retrieve it. Then turn the job over to a professional (husband who is an engineer).
  7. Don’t probe for dirt, e.g. look under furniture. When that hibernating beast is ready, it will awaken on its own. Consider installing dirt colored vinyl and carpets for maximum camouflage.
  8. Save food encrusted dishes for a week prior to the spring cleaning extravaganza. When your husband finishes raking, mulching, trimming trees, splitting and stacking wood, he is going to need to soak his hands for hours to remove the imbedded pitch and grime.
  9. Be sure the first thing he washes is your wine glass. Then pour yourself a refreshing portion of Sauvignon Blanc, hoist your swollen feet onto the ottoman, and relax. Stare directly into the 40-inch flat screen of your Magnavox, avoiding glances that reveal dangling cobwebs from the ceiling, or fly specks on the wall. The only thing left on your to-do list is to snicker while watching old episodes of Frasier on Netflix.

What shallow spring cleaning tips can you share?

For more of my humor go HERE.

Molly Stevens

Molly Stevens blogs at www.shallowreflections.com where she shares lighthearted writings about things that (mostly) don’t matter. She writes about a variety of topics, from her love affair with white potatoes, to why she saves user manuals. She tries to appeal to all ages, but since she looks through eyes that are 60 plus years old, her viewpoint is naturally clouded….by budding cataracts. She races to keep up with her younger husband, her son, daughter-in-law and two perfect grandsons. She pays the bills by working as a registered nurse, but fantasizes about a second career as a writer.

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6 Responses to 9 Strategies to help you conquer spring cleaning

  1. April 26, 2017 at 3:42 pm

    Well! I am too worried about my garden cleaning. There is a lot of leaf, which needs to be cleared. After fall season, all the beauty of the garden is hidden by falling leaf’s. I need a person with leaf mulcher vacuum to clean it.

  2. April 26, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Your suggestion #2 is priceless–between my diminishing memory and the time in between window washings, I can NEVER remember how the damn windows tilt out! As for spring cleaning tips, I got nothin’. Except this: wait until the trees drop their pollen before washing windows and screens. It took me a few years to figure this one out…

  3. April 25, 2017 at 5:24 pm

    1. Take a look at all the junk in the apartment.

    2. Go through your closets and take out everything you no longer wear and/or don’t like all that much. Pile everything in big supermarket bags or a box and temporarily store them on the living room floor, in preparation for bringing them over to the thrift shop a few blocks away. Rearrange the closets to take advantage of all the space.

    3. If you haven’t washed the windows yet, don’t bother with them. You can still see out of them, and so can the cat.

    4. Rearrange the furniture. Take a look at that old, super-comfortable armchair that takes up too much room. Make a plan to give it away to someone who will give it a good home and surf the Internet looking for good deals on recliner chairs.

    5. Realize that replacing that old armchair will mean you will no longer be able to sit in the computer chair, use the armchair arm as a high leg rest and take a nap. Heave a sigh, but remain determined to get a recliner instead.

    6. Take a really long time to do all of the above, and, in the meantime, try to ignore the way the place looks with everything in disarray.

  4. April 25, 2017 at 2:07 am

    I have a plan for spring cleaning: Win the lottery, then hire someone else to do it. Honestly, I’m getting a little tired of waiting.

  5. April 24, 2017 at 9:58 am

    Great Advice, Molly. Now on to MY Spring Cleaning disasters. Thanks for posting AND for the chuckle.

    • April 24, 2017 at 7:47 pm

      Thanks Leslie. I love it when the days are longer and the sun is higher in the sky. And then the unthinkable happens. Dust shows up. Everywhere. Good thing I’m buying my wine by the box these days. haha!

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