When I can’t sleep, or if I get bored while driving, sometimes I’ll amuse myself by making up words. If getting older means I’m going to start forgetting words—or at least have trouble retrieving them as easily as I used to—then having a supply of brand-new ones is an advantage, right?
Finding the right word
sometimes means making it up.
Know what I’m saying?
Here are a few more I’ve come up with lately:
Aprickable—Relevant to pricks, as in “The GOP’s behavior is aprickable in regard to human decency”
Commammorate—To show respect for or celebrate breasts
Condamnation—What #45 did in the last election by promising to “Make America Great Again”
Cornudopia—An abundant supply of stupid people
Craptocracy—A government or state in which those in power are full of crap
Digestive fart failure—The inability to hold back flatulence after eating
Evanjelloical—Having militant or crusading zeal about Jello
Freedom of peach—The inalienable right to eat a peach without censorship or restraint
Gerimeandering—When older people wander off beyond established boundaries
Grudgetarian—Someone who maintains a steady diet of ill will or resentment over a past insult or injury (as in, “The current president is a diehard grudgetarian”)
Indigenous peepholes—Naturally occurring knotholes or openings in pieces of wood
Infinitesticle—Having exceedingly tiny balls (literally and/or figuratively)
Javatar—The embodiment of being buzzed on caffeine
Materialipstick—Excessively concerned with possessing expensive lip color products
Misantrope—A person who dislikes and avoids the figurative or metaphorical use of a word or expression
Pee bargain—1. Negotiating for less time between bathroom breaks during a road trip. 2. Negotiating with the urinary gods that you make it to the bathroom in time when your bladder’s ready to burst (“Please-oh-please let me get to the bathroom in time so I don’t wet my pants; I promise to empty my bladder more frequently, especially after I drink coffee/tee/wine/water and before I leave the house/restaurant/bar…”).
Pissimistic—The quality of being arrogantly argumentative, angry or pissed off
Plantiful—Having many plants
Porcupain—The discomfort felt after you or your pet gets nailed by a porcupine’s quills
Post-tooth world—Circumstances in which actual teeth are less influential in shaping someone’s opinion of you than are fake ones (i.e., dental implants, caps, veneers or dentures)
Prejudick—A stupid, mean person who holds a preconceived opinion not based on reason or actual experience
Protubarants—Tirades in support of the largest musical instrument in the brass family
Punditz—Someone who claims to be an expert on a particular topic but is actually scatterbrained and silly; often seen on certain cable news shows
Ridiculips—Lips that have been injected with too much dermal filler (think Goldie Hawn in “The First Wives Club”)
Rum yourself ragged—To consume too many Dark and Stormies (or any rum drink, for that matter)
Scallopsism—The view or theory that the scallop is all that can be known to exist
Schlepotism—Relying on relatives or friends to haul or carry stuff for you
Serendipbooty—The pleasant, unexpected surprise of discovering that you can still fit your ass in jeans you’ve had for years
Skid-addled—The confusion you feel after your car comes out of a skid on the ice
Strepidation—The feeling of dread that your sore throat is actually a strep infection
Teat-totaller—What breastfeeding can be
Topical depression—When a group of opinionated people come together under the right conditions for a long enough time to organize into a circular flow of hot hair
Unreprohensile—Incapable of grasping the concept of reproductive rights
Vixenate—To inoculate a man against sexually attractive women who aren’t his spouse (as in, “Mike Pence needs to be vixenated so he can be alone with a woman who isn’t his wife”)
Vosnifferous—Characterized by noisy breathing or inhaling
Thoughts? Got some words of your own to add to the vernacular? Please share!
Read more of my humor here.