On Line Shopping | HumorOutcasts

On Line Shopping

December 2, 2017

a maxine online shopping cartoon.jpg

Today I am grateful for on-line shopping.  First let me be clear about a few things.  I’ve been told to “rest” in order to heal the latest asthma exacerbation.  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Mama don’t rest well. I don’t like sitting around doing nothing and accomplishing nothing.  It goes against my grain.


Next, I hate shopping.  I watch the ads on TV about Black Friday sales and my blood pressure goes up.  When the sales supplements arrive in the Sunday paper, I poke around a little bit until anxiety sets in and beads of sweat break out on my forehead.  Plus shopping malls pump the aroma of baking Cinnabons through the ducts like they were giving us oxygen and that’s another big problem for me.  It’s hard to carry packages you’ve purchased with a box of Cinnabons hung around your neck like a horses’ feeding bag.  Extra icing.


Who knew I could combine my desire to accomplish something and my dislike of shopping and actually be productive.  Hah!  Certainly not me.  I’m used to running from store to store and coming home in disgust because of not only the cost of stuff but the lack of availability with what the grandkids have on their “wish” lists.  It’s frustrating and humiliating to stand, holding my list in front of a clerk who looks 12 years-old and not have one clue what you’re even asking for, until the kid rattles of a bunch of nonsense that makes sense.  But only to him.


So I’ve gone on-line to do some of my Christmas shopping.  Kohl’s was a great start and I like them because as long as you pay a certain balance you don’t get charged interest.  Oh yeah, Did I mention I have no cash.  Today.  Or maybe tomorrow either, but I am like Missy Scarlet and can’t think about that right now.  The government is taking it all anyway I hear, so off I go. . .within reason. . .unlike them.


My daughters-in-law are savvy on-line shoppers and have the good grace to send me links.  Perfect.  Mama don’t have to poke around.  Because I poked around on one site and almost spent a fortune when I noticed they had an “As Seen On TV” section.  I had a shopping cart full of necessary chatshkee junk and then deleted it all.  I hope.  I almost bought a bathroom swirly mop that gets under and behind the toilet for $45.99(a bargain).  There was a serrated knife I don’t need for $12.99, but the sliced food doesn’t stick to it and it is pretty horrible when food sticks to a knife, isn’t it?  In the cart!  Then there was a full set of green cookware that I don’t have room for, but it was cool; and a healthy veggie spiral thingy with a crank handle unlike mind that I have to twist and work at when I make zucchini spaghetti; and enough stick on lights to land a plane.  That site had everything but a Flowbee, which is too bad because Himself needs a haircut and I’m “resting”!


But I can no longer say I’ve been sitting around doing nothing.  I’ve been busy.  That’s why I haven’t posted or written every day.  I’m shopping.  For bargains. With a credit card.  Or two.  Or three.  And maybe even Paypal before I’m done.  When I see the UPS or Fed Ex truck on my street I’m going to get a case of the vapors and start singing, “The Wells Fargo Wagon” song that little Ronny Howard sang in “The Music Man.”  Because “it could be. . .(yes it could be, yes it very surly could be) shumpin’ shpeshal. . .(something special, something very, very special). . .jush for me!”  Or someone else.  And that’s even more fun.


Hey, I feel very rested and even a little ahead of the Christmas game.  My lists still have lists and need serious organizing.  I keep a spread sheet from year to year, but my printer is out of ink so I can’t print it out anyway, yet.  Nor can I print all of the confirmations and “your items have been shipped” crap.  Oh wait!  Maybe I’ll order a printer cartridge!  On line!  Gotta go!  Ho-ho-ho!

(Go to http://heartprintsdotcom.wordpress.com for more missives by me.)

Mary Mooney

From cranking hair in my Midwestern town of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to eastern Pennsylvania, to three years writing for large hotels in Jakarta, Indonesia, humor has been my constant.

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2 Responses to On Line Shopping

  1. December 6, 2017 at 11:45 pm

    I have been an online shopper for years. I think my love of sitting on my rear end and buying stuff stems from my childhood. My mother was one of those shoppers who would go from store to store to store looking for something, even if she already found something she could live with in the first store. Chances are she wouldn’t find anything better in the other stores, so she would go back to the first store and buy the thing that caught her eye in the first place.

    I would end up with sore feet and a terminal case of boredom.

  2. Bill Spencer
    December 3, 2017 at 7:26 am

    My momma told me, “You better shop around.”

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