God So Loved the World He Wants You to Become an Atheist | HumorOutcasts

God So Loved the World He Wants You to Become an Atheist

December 3, 2017

He questioned the existence of God after two friends, an Episcopalian and a Catholic, died in the explosion of a pipe bomb they were making while a third, an atheist, escaped unharmed.

               Obituary of William Hamilton, a member of the God is Dead movement.

Shiva, performing the Flying Divinity Drop


I can’t believe I pulled the 2 to 10 shift on Saturday night–again.  All because of Shiva, the Destroyer.  He just has to watch his professional wrestling.  I guess I’m paying for all those nights in the 70’s when the lineup was M*A*S*H, Bob Newhart, Mary Tyler Moore, then Saturday Night Live back when it was good.  I used up a lot of my TDCs (transferable divinity credits) back then.

“If there’s a god in Heaven, may I PLEASE have another bag of complimentary peanuts?”


Oh well, as long as I’m stuck here in the control room, I might as well have a little fun.  Let’s see, whadda we got going on.  A priest, a rabbi and an atheist in a life boat.  The debit memo from accounting says two of them have got to go.  Fair enough–onesy, twosy, Catholic, Jewsy–voila!  A little twenty-foot swell is all it takes–the atheist lives to disbelieve another day.

Zoroaster–as in toaster?


That was fun–but too easy.  Maybe I’ll stir up a Chilean mudslide–or even a tsunami!–a little later.

Humans don’t realize we’ve got a business to run up here in heaven.  We outsourced the call center to India, but still the phones are ringing off the hook.  I lost all my money in the stock market, I want Alabama to beat Auburn, my baby was born with only one liver–duh, that’s what everybody gets.  Boo hoo to all of you!

“You’re all set with the overtime shootout victory over the New Jersey Devils.  Is there anything else I can do for you today?”


That’s why I like the atheists and agnostics.  They’re not on the horn all the time, asking for favors.  You can sneak a six-pack of beer in here on a Saturday night, kick back and relax a bit if you draw the North American beat.  The Christians loosen up their morals and you can take it easy.  Oops–what’s this?  A Moslem, a Hindu and an atheist are walking into a bar–sounds like a joke.  Better check it out.

Oh great.  Muhammed’s gonna go nuts on everybody–over pitchers of Miller Lite and wet t-shirt night!  I wish some of your edgy, daring comedians would take on the whole throw-the-gays-off-the-roof and stone-the-slut crowd, but no.  They’re too busy firing at the evangelicals and the Mormons and the Catholics.  Chicken shits.

Now what’s Mahatma doing?  I can’t believe it–he’s gonna pick a fight with somebody over the steak tip platter?  That’s my favorite!  Holy cow, to coin a phrase.  His commitment to non-violence is gonna get tested now.

Oh well–if people are gonna be that freaking stupid, they don’t deserve to be saved.  I’ll just ease Mr. Atheist over here to the men’s room, conveniently located next to the back exit.  Have a nice rest-of-your-life–from the Big Guy Upstairs!

You other two knuckleheads, let ‘er rip!

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Oh. . .My. . .God.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of two novels (most recently "Making Partner"), a baseball book about the Red Sox and the Yankees ("The Year of the Gerbil"), ten published plays and 45 books of humor available in print and Kindle formats on amazon.com. My latest book "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" was released by HumorOutcasts Press last year. My humor has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor, The Boston Globe and Barron's, and I am working on a biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player for Oxford University Press .

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One Response to God So Loved the World He Wants You to Become an Atheist

  1. December 4, 2017 at 7:32 pm

    If I were God, I would love atheists too. So low-maintenance and easy to please!

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