Boomer Haiku’s pseudo sexpert Dr. B. Ruthless is back with a sex quiz that asks: Where are you on the libido spectrum? In laymen’s terms, that means, “How hot to trot are you?”
By way of explanation, real-life psychiatrist Stephen B. Levine, MD, says the sexual desire spectrum has six levels ranging from aversion and disinclination at one end, to indifference in the middle, to need and passion at the other, more libidinous, end.
As we baby boomers have discovered, our desire for sex can change as we age. Hormonal shifts that come with menopause, health issues, medications and caregiver stress can contribute to a waning sex drive. For others, an empty nest, no more pregnancy fears, or reentering the dating scene can reboot the libido. No wonder porn stars are always ready to go, they are constantly having sex for websites similar to m-porn.xxx.
Dr. Ruthless has developed a short quiz to help you find out where you fall on this spectrum. Granted, this test is on a par with Cosmo’s “Are You Good in Bed?” quizzes when it comes to scientific accuracy and reliability. And it probably won’t reveal anything you don’t already know about yourself. But WTF—this is a (mostly) humor blog, so let’s have a bit of fun with it, shall we?
You always make sure you have spare batteries on hand for:
- The flashlight that guides you to the bathroom in the middle of the night
- Your electric pepper grinder—you like it hot (food, that is)
- Your vibrator(s)
When you hear the word “lube,” your first thought is:
- Hmmm…is it time to get the car in for an oil change?
- Isn’t that the Thai ground meat dish? No, wait—that’s larb.
- Flavored, water- or silicone-based?
You read that dressing up i a costume–like a French maid–could spice up your sex life. You think:
- Oh, merde! There’s no way in hell.
- I’d rather spice up that Duck a l’Orange recipe I tried last week.
- Ooh la la!
You’re in bed and your partner tries to initiate sex. You:
- Pretend to be asleep or feign a headache
- Consent, but spend the time thinking about what you’re going to make for dinner
- Go to town
When you stay at a hotel with your partner, you:
- Spend as little time as possible in a room dominated by a bed
- Read the room service and restaurant menus so you can figure out where and what you want to eat
- Watch porn and have hotel sex
You see steamy sex scenes between older adults in a movie and think:
- Oh, c’mon—who the hell does that at their age?
- Have I got time to go get some popcorn?
- That looks like fun…maybe we should try it!
You haven’t had intimate relations with your partner in weeks. You think:
- If he wants to do it tonight, we better eat dinner early because with my reflux I can’t lie down for at least two hours after eating
- Only because my partner’s been out of town…but wait, does phone sex count?
When your partner comes up behind you and gives you a big hug, you:
- Faint, freeze or flee
- Ask him what he’s in the mood for—for dinner, that is
- Turn around and give a full-frontal hug in return with the aim of turning him on
Your partner suggests you take a shower together. You:
- Say you showered earlier and don’t want to get your hair wet again
- Say “Not until we get grab bars in there”
- Strip and head for the bathroom
When it comes to sex positions:
- Your position is that you’re not really interested
- Between his back and your hips, your options are limited
- You’re willing to try anything once
What do you think about when you’re having sex?
- The question is moot since you don’t have sex
- Whether you’ve got all the ingredients for tomorrow’s dinner
- You don’t think; you just give yourself up to the sensations
After you have sex with your partner, you think:
- It’s been so long since I had sex I really don’t remember what I thought afterwards
- I seem to have worked up an appetite—what’s there to eat?
- That was yummy. When can I have seconds?
Your score, according to Dr. Ruthless:
Mostly 1s: Stick a fork in you—you’re apparently done.
Mostly 2s: This reminds me of a meme I saw recently that read, “Food has replaced sex in my life; now I can’t even get into my own pants.”
Mostly 3s: You’ve got a healthy appetite—enjoy!
Seriously, though, if you scored mostly As or Bs, should you do something about it? As Dr. Ruthless advised in an earlier Boomer Haiku post:
“It’s only a problem if it’s a problem—if your MIA sex drive is causing stress in your relationship, or if you really want your engine to rev again, but it’s not turning over. If you and your partner are okay with being in Park, however—hey, no harm, no foul.”
But if it is a problem?
“Have the courage and self-confidence to talk to your partner about it,” Dr. Ruthless says. “Instead of pretending to be asleep when he wants to play hide the weenie, or having the proverbial headache, you must share and communicate what is going on with your body and how it’s changed. Negotiate a new normal for intimacy—instead of leaning away or heading to the fridge every time your partner tries to get close.”
Our sex drive is like
the seasons, presidents and
tides: it comes and goes.
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Couldn’t care less? Please share!
Read more of my humor here.