Washington, DC – Unidentified sources have leaked a transcript to CNN of Donald Trump having a conversation with the Russians during their visit to the White House on Wednesday May, 10. Apparently, Trump broke protocol and had the Situation Room vacated. He then took the Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov and Ambassador Kislyak on a tour.
(Sound of door opening and feet walking)
Trump: This is my secret Negotiation Room. It’s the best. Very expensive technology. Better than any other in the world, except maybe yours. It’s like the Apple Genius Bar and I’m the genius.
Lavrov: I believe Mr. Trump they call this the Situation Room.
Trump: No, I call it the Negotiation Room. I’m a great negotiator. I know big words like Super-cali-fragile-halitosis.
Lavrov: Yes, you have super brain. Thin skin but hard head.
Kislyak: Thanks for private tour. We can’t believe you bring us here.
Trump: You’re welcome my comrades. We have 10 minutes before the security guys come back. I told them I needed to make a private call to Melania, and my Twitter phone is locked in Ivanka’s purse.
Kislyak: Mr. Trump, I want you to show us everything and please talk closer to my lapel.
Trump: Look at my special golden chair. Beautiful. Like a throne. The leather upholstery is from my father Fred’s 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. The very best luxury car.
Lavrov: Very American!
Trump: Touch the Corinthian leather. The best wild Corinthians were skinned for this. You can sit in it for a minute Ambassador.
Kislyak: Very soft. Nice. What’s this button for – weapon deployment?
Trump: No. I press it when I want a burrito from Taco Bell.
Kislyak: The arm pads look like they are different leather.
Trump: Yes. Jewish foreskin. The Jews. All good at business. It’s better than a lucky rabbit’s foot. Some is from my son-in-law Jared. Okay, get off my throne.
Kislyak: My pleasure sir. Where can I wash my hands?
Trump: Here are some special gold pens as mementos.
Lavrov: Not sure we should take. Not right to accept gift. Could look like bribe.
Trump: We don’t call it a bribe. It’s a Trump transaction. I do it all the time. I own the White House now. Putin gave me money for a mortgage. I fired that nut case Comey, I got many rubles. Bigly!
Kislyak: Very good. New Kremlin USA.
Trump: No. It’s going to be Trump White House and Casino. We’re putting slot machines in the Lincoln Bedroom and selling Trump Scratch and Sniff Lottery Tickets in the lobby.
Lavrov: Scratch and Sniff?
Trump: Scratch to win, sniff to smell Ivanka’s new perfume – Collusion No. 5.
(Shuffling noise and sound of doors being opened)
Trump: Look at this. It’s where I can control the drones. Big secret. I can send them anywhere. I’ve watched Nancy O’Dell, Madonna and Megyn Kelly in their bedrooms. If you can’t grab ‘em, drone ‘em.
Kislyak: Yes, squeeze their tchotchkes.
Trump: I’m going to let you peek at the global video surveillance equipment. It’s a huuuuuge network of satellites. I have no idea how it works, but it can see everywhere. Impressive.
(Sound of movement and buttons being pushed)
Trump: I just pushed a Moscow button.
Lavrov: Ahh… look there’s Vladimir. He’s riding his new favorite horse – Donald Jr.
Trump: I’m glad he likes his gift. Wait until I send him Melania.
Kislyak: You sending new horse?
Trump: No, I’m sending Melania. When Vlad asks, how can I say no?
Lavrov: What about First Lady in White House?
Trump: Ivanka’s here. She came to me and said “Daddy, I can I be First Daughter/Lady?” I can’t say no to my special little girl. Plus, she’s seen my tax returns.
Lavrov: What about Tiffany?
Kislyak: So, Mr. Trump, this tour will be our secret?
Trump: Yes. This is so secret! Just like the nuclear codes that I gave to Barron in case I’m on the golf course when my buddy Kim Jong wants some target practice. Ultra-Top Secret. Believe me.
Lavrov: Thanks Mr. Puppet… Um… I mean Mr. President.
Trump: Okay, guys. Time for snacks with Stevie B.
Kislyak: One more look. I’ll be quick as a camera flash.
Trump: Exit to the left my friends. We’re going to the kitchen. I get two scoops you get one.
(Sound of door opening and closing).