Thanksgiving Found Battered and Beaten In Back Alley. Police Clueless. | HumorOutcasts

Thanksgiving Found Battered and Beaten In Back Alley. Police Clueless.

November 25, 2017

The holiday of Thanksgiving was found badly beaten in a back alley today. The holiday, which has been waning in power and influence in the last decade, is now virtually homeless and forgotten as it has been minimized by the more commercial, and thereby more powerful holidays that precede and follow it- Halloween and Christmas.

Police investigators, who put solving the crime low on their list of responsibility far below that of preventing shoplifting and protecting Christmas shopping crowds at American malls, say they cannot think of a motive or a suspect. This is despite local citizens finding an abundance of Black Friday and Grey Thursday fliers and posters strewn about the alley and the fingerprints of the CEO’s of Walmart, Target, the Gap and Old Navy on both the fliers and on Thanksgiving himself.

“It’s a bit odd,” stated James McGover, a Citizen’s Watch group for the neighborhood where Thanksgiving was found. “It’s almost as though the big box stores paid off the police to minimize the case. But that couldn’t happen in America, could it?”

Doctors administering to Thanksgiving have given him a good prognosis, saying that he should recover. “But he will never be the same as he was before.” said Dr. Goodbody who oversaw the patient. “The last few years have not been good to him. He is forgotten, ignored, pushed aside and, with the Christmas mafia slowly taking over his late November time slot, left virtually homeless. But I say he should have recovered enough in the next twelve months to get pummeled again next year.”

Meanwhile, other witnesses have come forward saying something about strange, green clad, elf like men leaving the scene on flying reindeer. They said they heard them chanting “Ho, ho ho! We gave that schmuck some blows!” as they raced away. Police say they have no clue as to who these individuals might be.



I am a roamer and a rambler and on occasion I find time to sit down and write something. I was a regular on three humor websites and have had cartoons and mostly humorous articles published both in print and on websites in the U.S. and Europe. As soon as I can find the right place far enough back in the woods I will settle down and see what it means not to change addresses every six months. For some more serious reading try The Book Of Songs from It is a collections of short stories about music and its interweaving in the unseen patterns of our lives.

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2 Responses to Thanksgiving Found Battered and Beaten In Back Alley. Police Clueless.

  1. November 27, 2017 at 2:48 am

    Poor Thanksgiving, getting another black Friday. I mean, eye.

  2. November 26, 2017 at 6:19 pm

    Oh, poor Thanksgiving. Send him my way, I’ll take care of him for sure!

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