The Crap Sandwich Healthcare Act – Original Recipe or Extra-Crispy

Donald Delivers Healthcare Load

Yes, fellow Trumplandians, it’s happened! Our President’s “healthcare” act has passed. After all the pushing and straining of a constipated old man’s bowel movement, Donald Dump’s bio-hazardous legislation has passed! It exploded out of the Lower Chamber of the House on May 4th. Paul Ryan, racing out of the Capitol bearing the official Presidential Chamberpot, shared the glorious news with the world.

It was just six weeks ago that the original Crap Sandwich Healthcare Act (CSHA), denying healthcare to millions of Americans while giving billionaires a huge tax break, failed to garner enough support among rightwing extremists. Yet through the magical give-and-take of the legislative process, and after committing to making the bill as bad as humanly possible, it has passed! O Great Day in Trumplandia! King Donald has discharged his duty!

For our young readers unfamiliar with the process, we’ve created this helpful graphic:

The president celebrated the miraculous passage by doing what he does best – blithering incoherently. “They’re friends of mine,” he said of the Republicans in Congress. “They’re really special people, whether it’s Freedom Caucus or Tuesday or Thursday or let’s go have a drink, that group.”

Oh, that group! Got it.

Princess Ivanka Lays An Egg

The other big news, of course, is that Ivanka’s much-despised new book, Women Who Work, has hit the bookstores!

Just think: while you’re withering away from that cancer you cannot afford to treat, you can read Ivanka’s inspirational homilies, such as, “All women benefit immeasurably by architecting their lives.” There. Aren’t you feeling better now? No? Would it help if we read passages where she promotes the family brands, such as Scion Hotels, and Ivanka Handbags designed especially for “women who work”?

Ivanka’s horrible book was itself recently promoted on the website of the State Department.

It’s great to see that the federal government is finally focused on the important business of advancing the Trump brand!

But if you think Ivanka is just a self-promoting capitalist who speaks in “business-ese”, think again! She is also a devoted Mom, as she explains in this sentence: “The opportunity cost of not being with my kids elucidates my priorities in great relief, causing me to be tremendously focused.”

There is an audio version of, Women Who Work, available for $24.50. We’re not sure who would listen to this voluntarily, but it could definitely prove useful as one of those enhanced interrogation techniques Papa Ferret wants to start using.

Breathy, female Audio Book narrator: “I had already taken a first step towards reimagining the options available to modern, self-purchasing women when in 2007 I launched my fine jewelry…”

Terror Suspect: “Please, no more! “

Audio Book: “I’m incredibly dedicated to creating solutions for modern women who are living full, multidimensional….”

Terror Suspect: “Nooooooooo! Someone help me!”

Audio Book: “Scion Hotels offer energized social experiences and shared work spaces designed to bring people together to exchange ideas and create…”

Terror Suspect: “Stop. I beg you! I tell you anything!!!”

Melania Celebrates Opposite Day

Okay, so we admit it, this focus on Ivanka’s book is pretty unfair. After all, Melania also did something amazingly hilarious this week when she “liked” the below tweet that was accompanied by a video of her scowling at Donald.

Is this a cry for help from the First Lady? Does she not know how to read? Or is this just Trumplandia, where every day is Opposite Day? Where we’re officially living in Opposite World?

And Now, Mr. President, Can You Say Something Idiotic About The Middle East?

Of course he can. This is President Trump after all! Still, what the heck was he thinking in that little ferret brain of his, when he told Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas: “I also applaud the Palestinian Authority’s continued cooperation with Israel. They get along unbelievably well… They work together beautifully.” Huh? They do? Is this Opposite World again?

Too bad Andrew Jackson didn’t live long enough to bring peace to the Middle East. He could have brought the Israelis and the Palestinians together at a Trump Scion Hotel in one of those, “shared work spaces designed to bring people together.” And the State Department could give out Scion Hotel brochures, and Ivanka could blither about it inspiringly in her next book, “Women Who Are Born Unfuckingbelievably Rich.”