Book Fun

I’ve been shoplifting lately. From Chapters. I call it slow shoplifting. Every day I go into the store and read one chapter from a book. Without paying. In about two weeks, depending on the length of the book, I’ve stolen the whole thing. In my brain. And they don’t even notice anything missing. But something is missing. One reading of the book is missing, and it’s in my head.

I went to the cash at Chapters one day and asked if I could buy 3 chapters from a book. They said no, I have to buy the whole book. But the name of the store is Chapters, I said. So you must sell chapters from books. When I go to the car wash, I don’t have to buy a car. I buy the wash. If your store was called Books, I would buy the entire book. I actually only wanted to buy a few pages, but your store isn’t called Pages. So give me my Chapters.

I like long lines at Chapters. I’ll grab a book, quickly finish it in the line, and when I get to the cash I ask for my money back. They always tell me I can’t have my money back because I didn’t buy it. That doesn’t make sense, because I’ve read it, so I got the book. Give me my money back. It hasn’t worked so far, but I’ll keep trying.