General Kelly’s Hunger Games | HumorOutcasts

General Kelly’s Hunger Games

July 12, 2018
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After Chief of Staff John Kelly appeared cranky at the July 11 NATO breakfast with POTUS and other world leaders. White House spokesman Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement to the Washington Post, “”[Kelly] was displeased because he was expecting a full breakfast and there were only pastries and cheese.”

What may have also increased his gloom was that POTUS was served a full European breakfast while his assistants all received muffin tops. Kelly know that POTUS is so full of hot gas that he doesn’t need the baked beans served with many European breakfasts.

Newsroom pundits questioned the authenticity of the White House statement, speculating a multitude of other reasons for Kelly’s scowl.

1. Angry that he was unable to watch Croatia beat England in the World Cup. Rumor has it Kelly had money on Croatia.

2. Kelly’s oversized bottle of Thera-Breath was confiscated by the TSA (even with his top-level clearance on Air Force One) and he was chagrined about his fishy breath, certain his cheek kiss to Angela Merkel surely grossed her out.

3. When his new work table arrived at the White House from Ikea, Kelly lost the little screw driver and has been unable to assemble the table. He’s still mad at Ben Carson for messing it up for everybody,

4. Overwrought about the Bosses’ upcoming visit with Queen Elizabeth at Windsor Castle because rumor has it Elizabeth R is wearing a Pink Pussy Hat to show POTUS who is in charge.

5. Kelly doesn’t have a hostess gift for Putin. While Kelly is not expected to spend much time with the leader of Russia, he wants to pay Putin back for the set of five wooden Hillary Rodham Clinton nesting dolls from their last visit.

6. Unlike in Ireland, there’s no whiskey with breakfast for Irish coffee.

7. Upset that his last name rhymes with jelly, and that reminds him of a bigger breakfast.

8. Had a bad dream that Barbara Boxer and Gloria Allred tied him in a chair and made him sing “We are family.”

9. Mad at Brett Cavanaugh, whose nomination may give Kelly two more years in the Babysitter’s Club.

10. Can’t escape waffling in Belgium.
11. Jealous of Trey Goudy’s time grilling Peter Strzok over his private texts to his lover Lisa Page

12. Maybe, just maybe, it is because General John Kelly is having a “what am I doing here moment?” He remembers when he was a respected member of the military, and now plays second fiddle to the world’s biggest liar and flim-flam man. Could that be it?

Amy Abbott

Abbott is syndicated on Senior Wire News Service and writes for newspapers and magazines. She's the author of multiple books, and is currently featured in "Laugh Out Loud," the first anthology of the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop.

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