How come game pieces are always called “men”? Even when you’re playing Clue and you have Miss Scarlet or Mrs. Peacock, people say, “Hey, you forgot to move your man.” Doesn’t make sense, and it’s an injustice to Scarlet and Peacock.
A group of people in a small room decided to address the elephant in that room. They forgot to call him Sir Elephant (he had been Knighted) so he trampled everyone to death.
I can’t afford a new mattress so I’m resting on my laurels. It’s kinda lumpy.
What does total war mean? Is that twice as bad as half war? Maybe we should offer different war packages. Off-the-rack war, custom fit war, Seersucker War, Grande war.
I’m always comforted knowing that at the end of the day, I go to sleep.
I have a new morning routine whereby I get out of bed and ask myself what a perfect day looks like for me. Then I realize I’m out of bed and shit, there goes the perfect day.
I don’t think people should be able to unpack the contents of their bedroom at Starbucks unless they buy me a coffee and some banana bread, heated.
I hate subtitles. It’s like having to watch the movie and read the book at the same time. “I thought the subtitles were better than the movie.” I’m Netflix smart.
Why did we waste so much time looking for stuff lost in the Bermuda Triangle? Can someone find that fucking bread tab for me?
Since when is light considered pollution? Will it affect my lungs? Should I close my eyes more?
Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are too old to run for office. They should walk or they might hurt themselves.
Yesterday I opened a box of Smarties and they were all fake. They were Smarties dummies.
I knew this tightrope walker who had a really good bank balance.
Sometimes three and a half things lead to another.
I think God is out of the forgiveness business. Doesn’t pay well.