This is yet another post for the Halloween contest (Don’t worry- I’ll stop soon. I am running out of ideas.).
Due to the success of our hugely popular ‘Gourmet Zombie Guide To Fine Dining In America’ we are coming out with our International Guide for those zombies with enough money or societal pull to be able to get through TSA lines without being trapped and taken to a detox center or actually shot enough times to be dropped. Or for those zombies which live in the countries mentioned from whom we have relied on for source material. Many thanks to those who helped us write this book, but please do not send us any more brains samples as they are usually rather rancid by the time they get to us and the Post Office is also frowning upon the practice….. as are U.S. health officials who are afraid of infestation from dripping packages.
When it comes to the finer aspects the art of eating brains as your main source of nutrition, the countries of the Caribbean have it all over the rest of the world. With Haiti as the world wide leader in producing ‘the living dead’ as an integral part of their Voodoo culture, it would fall to reason that they would have a highly advanced cranial culture when it comes to cuisine. And of course being surrounded by all that sunshine, ocean and jungle nature would make for healthier than normal, robust, meaty brains to chose from (or, as healthy as the poorest country in the western hemisphere can get).
Cerebral specialties here in the islands include Tenderized Brains- (brains where the donor was beaten too severely in the head while bringing him down), Marinated Brains (brains where the victim was already stinking drunk when the zombie hunter got to him/her), and Brains Still In The Shell, a unique way of serving the gray matter introduced to us by Hannibal Lector in the movie ‘Hannibal’.
Eastern European countries also have their own unique offerings to the Brain Banquets of the World.
Romania, in particular the Transylvania area, have their own Brains Drained specialty using the discarded corpses of vampires feasts. The vampires are only interested in the necks of the victims and fortunately for us, leave the heads intact, minus of course the blood therein.
Hungary has its Brains With Paprika, East Germany its Brains With Sauerkraut (the brains are fermented as well), Albania has the very rare and unique Werewolf Brains and, for those on a budget- Werewolf Victim’s Brains. Greece offers its popular Brains Tied Up With Octopus Tentacles and, finally, the crème de la creme- Russia’s answer to its expensive burial costs for the drunk indigent- Brains Soaked In Vodka.
Unfortunately, Western European dishes can be rather bland. Germans have the boring, typical Brains On Toast. British brains are dried up, French brains too fatty and Belgian brains soggy from having been cooked in the same oil they cook their pomme frites in and from too much beer consumption. The exception to these mediocre fares are the wonderful Italian brains with all the splendor of the Mediterranean diets of the victims infused in them. One finds subtle hints of pine and rosemary, the aroma of sunflower fields, the soft kiss of sun drenched wheat fields, the spray of the ocean infused in every cell. Unfortunately, Italian brains are hard to find and illegal from being forbidden by the Catholic Church and one could run the risk of being arrested or damned to Eternal Hell for even possessing a couple grams of them. Let the buyer beware!!!
The Orient is not to be left behind, although their offerings may be too exotic for some. Japanese Brain Sushi will be raw, but most zombie diners are used to that anyway. Singaporean Srirachi Brains is too spicy for many, but with decaying taste buds most diners seem to be OK with it. For the cost conscious the Philippines has its Political and Drug Seller Prisoner Brains at a rock bottom price, but supply might soon be limited as President Duerte has his henchmen out trying to get rid of the zombies and zombie suppliers too. Watch out that you don’t end up on THEIR menu for the evening! Lastly the Tibetans offer the 100 Year Old Brains which are risky to eat, but, Hey!, you are dead anyway!
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Purchase a copy within the next week and receive editions autographed by our writing staff. Be sure to order one before they are all killed off by concerned citizens!
Coming in the spring- The ILLUSTRATED Gourmet Zombie Guide To International Fine Dining. It was enough to gag a maggot already, now imagine it in living (or dead) color!