Is there anything better than visiting your favorite Tofurky website for casserole recipes and discovering a pop-up that highlights the 5 warning signs of deep-liver cancer, of which you appear to have 3.5? Of course not!
Unfortunately, these public service ads tend to focus on the most well-known diseases. What about those equally devastating afflictions that fly beneath the radar? Here are 7 symptom/disease combinations that you should watch out for:
- Uneven fingernail growth: Is your ring finger forging ahead of your pinkie, or vice-versa? What about your thumb and forefinger? If so, you almost certainly have Navin’s Disorder, in which one of your buttocks (usually the left) completely liquefies over a period of several months. There is no known cure. But even if all of your fingernails are growing at the same rate, don’t relax. You may simply be in the incubation phase of the disease, which is accompanied by a light cough, or the absence of one.
- Your navel hums whenever you lie down: This is a reliable indicator of Tidewater Ceflitis, an infection that causes your kneecaps to swell and burst. Do not succumb to the temptation to hum along with your navel; that will only accelerate the swelling process. Can be treated with any over-the-counter ointment containing lanolin and Mountain Dew.
- Blinking your eyes more than once per minute: This eventually leads to Yukon Snow Blindness, a condition where you will find it impossible to un-blink, your eyelids having sealed shut. Start memorizing now where all the furniture is located in your house.
- Flaming nostrils: Small tendrils of fire begin emerging from one or both of your nasal passages, typically late at night. A precursor to Mount St. Helen’s Syndrome, 3 to 8 weeks later, which is characterized by ash, smoke, and lava-hot mucous spewed with great force from your nose over a period of several days. A saline-based nasal spray can extinguish the initial symptomatic flames, but won’t delay the catastrophic eruption that is inevitable. If you’re currently sleeping with someone, inform them now of what to expect.
- Tongue hyper-awareness: You worry obsessively that you will swallow your tongue while dozing on the sofa watching the PBS NewsHour. This is an early sign of Post-Modernist Yoga Overthinking, in which you deconstruct your natural bodily functions to the point where malignant thought balloons invade your brain and systematically devour it. Can be treated by engaging in manual labor for low pay or taking any job at Walmart.
- The lines in the palm of one of both of your hands reconfigure themselves to form an image of the Virgin Mary: This is actually a good thing. It means you will soon bear a child, a very special child. Not sure how this sign got on the list. In any event, congratulations!
- You notice that you are no longer breathing in, only out: You have Dennison Deflation Disease, and will eventually become flat and die. Using a bicycle pump to remain inflated is only a short-term solution, as is drinking large amounts of water after you ingest a half-dozen sea sponges. Sorry.
Be well, and make sure to try that recipe for Tofurky stuffed with Lima Bean Jam and Faux Bacon Bits, because life is short.