As Virus Spreads, Candidates Shift to “Get Off My Lawns” Strategy

NORTH HERO, Vermont.  This idyllic town on the shores of Lake Champlain is a haven for those seeking privacy, but one of its newest homeowners is better known for plunging into the rough and tumble world of presidential politics.  “It’s a great vacation spot, but I don’t think you’re going to meet many swing-state voters here,” says Olney “Red” Watkins, who operates a motorboat shuttle from St. Albans to the isolated island community.  “That’s probably not a winning strategy if you’re trying to become the first Socialist President of the United States.”

But the town with a population of only 794 will in fact become headquarters for Bernie Sanders as the dark-horse candidate with the wispy hair yesterday became the first candidate to announce he was suspending campaign events due to fears of the coronavirus, a move that other remaining candidates are expected to follow in order to prove they are not elevating political ambition over public health concerns.

“It’s a variation on the ‘Rose Garden Strategy’ invented by Gerald Ford,” says Professor Arnold Hersha of the University of Vermont-Queechee.  “Ford figured if he stayed at the White House instead of campaigning all over the country in 1976 he wouldn’t fall down so much, which was making him look undignified.”

Ford:  “This is a great idea, Betty.  I don’t trip when I’m crawling!”

But while Ford was a relatively-young 61 years old when he took office in 1974, all three of the current crop of presidential candidates are in their seventies; Sanders is the oldest at 78, Joseph Biden is 77, and Donald Trump is 73, leading some observers to dub the decision to campaign from a fixed base rather than the road as the “Get Off My Lawns” strategy.

“Bernie’s got three homes, you’ll have to ask him,” Biden said as he got in a van to take him to the larger of his two homes, a 7,000 square foot lakeside residence in Wilmington, Delaware.  “I’m just a humble public servant who in his golden years was somehow able to plunk down $2.7 million for a vacation house by saving for years on a government salary.”

Sanders, who spent his honeymoon in the former Soviet Union, said he will only tell rich, corrupt capitalist kids and their dogs to get off his lawns, and that other children and pets are welcome if they can correctly name the General Secretaries of the Communist Party in chronological order from Joseph Stalin to Mikhail Gorbachev.  “This is basic history our kids ought to know,” he said as he threw an errant Frisbee back across his property line to 9-year-old Timmy Sammons.  “There’s nothing tricky about it as long as you can remember how to spell ‘Brezhnev.’”

“My press credentials are cooler than your press credentials.”

As a long-time real estate developer before he entered political life President Trump has the most lawns to get off of, but he took his first step to combat the public health threat by closing a public property–The White House–until further notice, leaving the press at a safe distance as a precaution.  “I’m sorry,” Trump shouted by bullhorn to CNN reporter Jim Acosta, a long-time nemesis.  “You’re going to have to stand outside the fence until a vaccine has been approved by the FDA–it should only be a couple of years.”